


Because You Don't Need Me

by DWImpala67



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU Without Monsters, Abandonment Issues, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied bottom Dean Winchester/Top Sam Winchester, M/M, Mentions of hospitals, Mpreg, Post Mpreg, Sibling Incest, Sibling Love, The Boys Still Struggled, Wincest - Freeform, Wincest Big Bang 2020 (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:28:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 33,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26948995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DWImpala67/pseuds/DWImpala67
Summary: Sam Winchester is happy. He works as a lawyer in one of the best firms, has a small but beautiful house in the suburbs and he has a wonderful girlfriend. The whole nine yards. Until, one fine day, he wakes up to someone banging at his door. He opens the door to find an empty front yard. Annoyed, thinking it’s a prank, he’s about to slam the door shut when he hears noises. He looks down, following where the noise is coming from only to watch in horror at the small parcel at his door. It’s a small basket, filled with blankets and a stuffed toy. Surrounded in them, is a baby, with wide green eyes. Just when Sam thought he couldn’t be surprised anymore, he finds a letter, asking him to take care of the baby, which is signed by none other than his brother, Dean.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester, Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester
Comments: 55
Kudos: 119
Collections: Wincest Big Bang 2020





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> This story had been on my mind ever since I started writing. I initially planned on writing this for Spn Big Bang but it took me too long to event jot down the outline and how exactly I wanted it to be done. So instead I signed up for Wincest Big Bang 2020. 
> 
> The very first person I troubled to brainstorm with was the sweet and beautiful Lia. She helped with the initial plot, what goes where and who does what etc. She was my cheerleader throughout. Thank you for your patience, Lia. This wouldn't have shaped up if not for you. 
> 
> Next up, my amazing beta JDL71. She was there when I struggled with the block and gave direction to my story. She had to put up with a lot of shit from me, because I always ask too many question. lol. This is for you, Jen, for being my support system. 
> 
> To my another awesome beta Jerzcaligirl. Thank you so much, for all the hard work you did to make sure my English was to the point. I'm sorry for all the mistakes I repeated. But I'm learning. Much Love. 
> 
> To my artist, TxDorA, thank you for claiming my art and creating some beautiful art pieces and giving life to some of my favorite scenes. Do visit the link given under the banner and leave some love for her hard work. 
> 
> Finally, to the mod, thank you for running this challenge for yet another year. 
> 
> To be noted: English is not my native language. All mistakes are my own. Sorry in advance. 
> 
> Happy Reading!

Link to the art: <https://tx-devilorangel.livejournal.com/d56.html> or <https://archiveofourown.org/works/26902942>

++++

The bell ringing at this hour in the morning had Sam confused. He wasn’t expecting anyone, and he knew for a fact that his girlfriend wasn’t either because she would have informed him. They had both been sound asleep and Sam didn’t have the heart to wake up Jess, not after the nonstop marathon at work. Sam groaned as he got up. It was a Sunday and that meant he got to have some time for himself. It seemed someone was Hell bent on disturbing his leisure day.

He sleepily padded towards the door and opened it to stare at an empty space. Was someone just playing around? At this hour in the morning? Seriously? He angrily slammed the door shut just as he heard a noise and froze in place. He heard the sounds of cries once again. Sam just stood there, looking at the door, dreading whatever he was about to find. He opened the door in search of the noise and stared in horror as he found it.

There, on the step, lay a basket which contained a baby; who at the moment was crying its lungs out. 

Sam stood there, unmoving until the cries got louder; loud enough for Jess to get up. When she stood beside Sam, she too was shocked. Being the one of them with maternal instincts, she quickly got over her shock and picked up the baby.

“Shh…hush…little baby. It’s okay. Aww…look at you, honey bunch. You’re so cute, aren’t you? But who are you, little one? And what are you doing here alone?” Jess cooed at the baby for some time, hoping to get the child settled down. “I don’t suppose you can answer me, huh?” She turned to Sam only to find him  pale, and shaking, with a note in his hand.

“What is it, Sam? Any idea as to who the baby belongs to? Or maybe the reason the baby is here? Any information?” She shoved at him but Sam didn’t show any sign of his usual liveliness. “SAM!” Jess yelled, only for the baby to start to cry again. She had nephews, so she was pretty good at handling babies, but this one seemed particularly to be hard to handle as the baby was probably scared. “I’m sorry, baby. Are you hungry? Are you wet?” Jess seated herself on the couch and checked if the baby was wet. Finding that the baby’s diaper was dry, she was perplexed as to why he was crying. So, she assumed he must be hungry.  Reaching for the small diaper bag, she unzipped it to find it contained a few changes for the baby as well as a bib, diapers, wipes, a rattle, a feeding bottle, and a bottle of premixed formula. Picking up the two bottles, she poured a few ounces of the formula into the bottle, replaced the cap with the nipple, screwing it on tightly before offering it to the crying baby . The baby happily drank the formula as Jess settled him in her arms and looked up at Sam with a questioning look in her eyes. To her surprise, Sam didn’t say anything. He just held out a note for her to read.

_ Sammy, _

_ How are you? Yeah, I know, you must be very good, considering you left the shitty life that we led. Plus, you got rid of the burden too. ME. _

_ Anyway, I don’t want to spoil the mood, but I have something to tell you. _

_ You’ll find a package with this letter. Perhaps you’ll see the package before the letter. Don’t panic. It’s safe and  _ _ is _ _ human. _

_ His name is Noah Samuel Winchester. He’s just a little over three months old. He’s a chubby one. _

_ And most importantly, he’s yours. _

_ Before that brain of yours runs wild, let me explain. I was a month along when you left. I wanted to tell you, but you wanted a normal life. So, I held back. Didn’t want to ruin your life then. Not after I realized I was a burden. So, I let you go. _

_ I tried to have a life for the sake of my baby boy, but I can’t. Not anymore. I struggled and did everything in my power to keep up a healthy life for both of us. But I failed. I’m far too broken. _

_ In my last ditch effort, I’m handing over this responsibility to you. I know you’ll love him and will care for him better than me. Most of all, you’ll be able to give him a life far superior to what I can. _

_ Tell him I love him very much. And that I did what I did for his own good. _

_ Take care, okay. Both of you. _

_ I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but I have to say this one last time. I love you Sammy. _

~~_ Yours _ ~~

_ Noah’s Papa, _

_ Dean _

_ _

++++++++++++++++

Sam didn’t know how to react to this shocking news. He was a father! He had fathered a child with his own brother, and he was no longer in touch with him. Sam had a job, a girlfriend, a small house, and now a baby!

A baby! Sweet Lord! His baby boy! He had a son!

The realization brought tears to his eyes. Gently, he picked up his son and nestled him in his arms as Noah drank greedily from the bottle. His son looked just like Dean; he had Dean’s green eyes, freckles on his nose, and plush, pink lips. But he had Sam’s nose, the same shape of his eyes, and his hair; golden-brown locks. He was handsome, and Sam couldn’t believe that this baby was his.

He was so entranced by his son that he didn’t hear Jess speaking to him until she finally shouted, “WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL IS THIS SAM? ANSWER ME!”

The baby immediately started fussing. “Shh…Jess, you’ll disturb him. I’ll explain it to you in a minute. Please let’s just calm down and get the baby settled first.” Sam headed to his bedroom and quickly placed the baby in question on his bed, patting the baby’s back soothingly. Once he was sure that the baby was fast asleep, he kissed his son’s forehead and arranged some pillows around him so that he wouldn't fall off the bed. He then turned toward Jess and nodded to her to follow him.

Leaving the door ajar, Sam softly padded into the living room with Jessica silently trailing behind him They sat down on the couch, and Sam felt her place a hand on his arm. “What does this mean, Sam? And what aren’t you telling me?”

Sam leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and rubbed his temple a few times before he started speaking, “You know about Dean, right?” Sam had confided in his girlfriend one night, too drunk to understand the implications of what he was admitting, that he loved his brother and it was anything but platonic. 

“Dean ... your brother, right? The one you loved?” Jess replied cautiously. She knew that this fact was always going to haunt her. She just didn’t expect it to invade their lives so soon. 

“Well, yeah. B-but there’s much more to it. And I’m not sure I should tell you all of it, because you’ll judge me and my baby boy, which I can’t afford right now, given the circumstances. But what you have to understand is, I left him. It’s been almost over a year…” 

Jessica interrupted him, running her hands down his back trying to soothe him. “Hey, take a breath. I know you have feelings for your brother and I don’t judge you. Because you know, it's not my place to do that. What I didn’t know was that you had acted upon your feelings. And going by the letter it’ll be idiotic to even ask if it’s true, because the proof of that is currently fast asleep in your bedroom. I’m not mad, Sam. You’ve trusted me so far. You can still trust me, okay?” Jess assured him.

Sam looked at Jess and gave her a grateful nod and spoke, “Our …relationship… wasn’t something I wanted to pursue. But then, he was right there, looking at me with so much love and devotion that I gave in. I understand now that I should have been clear with him from day one. I didn’t want anything serious at that time. I was graduating. I wanted to go away to college and become a lawyer. But D-Dean. He didn’t agree. He wanted me to stay with him and pursue my dreams there, with him. I couldn’t do that. I didn’t wanna do that. I just wanted to get out of that town and away from our stupid life. I wanted to be normal. So, the day I was hired by Hardman Associates, I left. Dean tried to stop me, but I left. I took the bus and joined the firm and the rest you know. What you didn’t know is that Dean has the rare gene that makes him a carrier. A rare gene that allowed him to conceive and carry a baby.” Sam stopped and leaned back on the couch, closing his eyes, “We always used protection. It was one time, we were drunk and …”

“It’s only the one time that counts, Babe,” Jess said, trying to lighten the conversation.

“Yeah,” Sam gave a self-deprecating laugh. After a moment of silence, he spoke again, “Looking back now, I should have been there for him, you know.”

“Sam… I can’t say I understand what you two have because I never will, but what I can do is accept that it happened. But the question remains, what have you decided to do now?”

“I don’t know, Jess. I really don’t know,” Sam finally said as Jess snuggled into him, trying to comfort both of them. 

+++++++++++++

Jess woke up to the sound of a soft cooing coming from Sam’s bedroom. She frowned at first, but then remembered the events from earlier. As she sat up, she realized that somewhere during the whole conversation she had fallen asleep. She looked around for Sam, only to realize she was alone. She got up and softly headed towards the bedroom to be greeted by the most cutest picture.

Sam was sitting on bed, with his back against the headboard, his feet planted firmly on the bed, and his knees folded up so he could support his son’s body leaning on his legs. Sam was speaking to his baby, gently kissing him, now and then. “Aren’t you nearly the exact copy of your Papa ?” Sam chuckled and continued, “I never thought Dean would call himself Papa! But who am I to question him when he gave me the best gift of my life! I love you Noah. So much.” He held his child close to his heart as he gazed lovingly at Noah. “But we gotta find your Papa . I’ll never want you to go through with what I did, Noah. I’ll figure out how to get your Papa to live with us. I promise, baby boy, we’ll have a family.” Lifting the baby to his shoulder, he patted Noah’s back until the baby gave a soft sigh and went back to sleep.

Jessica didn’t know what to make of that speech. She felt like an intruder but couldn’t help listening to the father and son’s conversation. Especially when Sam mentioned being a family and finding Dean. What would that entail for Jessica? How would she fit into that family? Would Sam leave her when he found Dean? What role would she play in little Noah’s life? The questions were disturbing and she dreaded the answers to them. For now though, they could wait. She needed to help Sam settle into a life of being a father to Noah first. 

“Sam, I know you wanna spend time with your baby, but , we don’t have the necessary things to accommodate him. We need stuff for the baby and …”

“Oh yes, I completely forgot. But…Noah is sleeping, could it wait until later? When he wakes up, we’ll take him to the supermarket. How’s that sound?” he asked, hopefully.

Jessica smiled, “Actually, I was thinking , you get some rest with Noah. I have to go to my apartment, so I’ll freshen up and go to the store to buy the little guy some stuff.”

“Jessica, you don’t have to do this , you know.”

“It's not about ‘having to’, it’s about ‘wanting to’. I wanna do this, Sam. The little guy has wormed his way into my heart. I can’t help it, you know. I want to be there for the baby as much as I can.” 

“Oh, thank you so much, Jess. You’re really a sweetheart.”

“Oh, shut up. You don’t need to thank me at all. I’m here because I wanna be. So, you get some rest with the handsome boy and I’ll be your gofer.” She quickly planted a kiss on Noah's head and then kissed Sam, bidding him goodbye.

It was important for her to maintain her act. She didn’t like the sound of Sam and Dean getting together. She would have to ensure that when Dean made an entry into their lives, she was the one that claimed Sam for herself. 

+++++++


	2. Chapter Two

The week flew by trying to adjust to the entry of Noah into their life. He and Jess had taken the week off, to settle the baby into their lives. Sam was doing pretty well, considering he was still angry and confused about the fact that Dean had managed to keep the news about his pregnancy from him. Also, he had a hard time understanding the fact that Dean never planned on letting Sam know that they had a child together. What would have happened if Dean had managed to work it on his own? What if Dean had found stability in his life and raised their child alone? Would he have ever told Sam about the baby? Would Sam ever have been in the picture had Dean managed to do it alone? After all, it had all come down to Dean being unable to look out for them in order for Sam to get a chance at meeting their son. He was pissed at his brother, but he was also hurting for Dean. The thought of never getting to know his child hurt Sam, but he wasn’t the one who gave him birth. Dean was the one who had carried Noah for nine months, having kept him warm and safe. And to suddenly have to let go of the baby must have hurt Dean far more than Sam could realize, he mused.

Sam had missed out a lot of time with his baby. Yes, Dean was wrong in keeping their child a secret, but Sam didn’t want Dean to go through the same agony that he felt when he had held his son for the first time, realizing that he had missed out on the first ultrasound, the first kick, the first contraction, the birth, the first feeding…so much. His heart hurt at that thought, but he didn’t even want to think about what Dean must be going through. After all, Dean must have formed a bond with the baby already. And to give him up just so that Noah could have a better life was twisting his gut. That was why he had decided that he would find Dean and give him a chance to be a part of their child’s life. 

Monday came around too fast for Sam’s liking and he was so thankful that Jess seemed to have taken well to the baby. She was going to stay home today, giving him a chance to get back to work. She was fussing over him just like a mother would. Sam always smiled whenever he caught the sight of Jess cooing at the baby. Even at night, when Noah needed to be fed or changed, it had been Jess who looked after Noah. Sam was thankful for Jess and he loved her for doing it even if she didn’t have to. But Jess always said she wanted to. So, Sam didn’t argue any further, he just kissed her every night and held her tight to his chest.

When Sam reached the office, the first thing he did was track Dean’s phone. He had to find out where Dean was and he had to talk to his brother. It took him some time to find him, but since he was the only one who really knew Dean and knew all of Dean’s aliases, he figured out Dean’s location. He had thought that Dean would have moved on to another place and therefore was surprised that his assumption had been wrong. Dean was exactly where he last had been. The town where they had been living before he had left Dean.

Sam decided to give it a try and got up from his chair only for his colleague to remind him that he had an urgent meeting with their boss. He groaned and sat down in frustration. He had no idea what he needed to do next, aside from trying to find Dean. Spending time with his son had confirmed one thought in his mind and that was getting Dean back in his life for the sake of Noah. He wanted his brother with him. He didn’t want their son to go through the same shit they had. He was going to make sure that Noah got the love and attention of both his parents. Whether he was willing to pursue his relationship with Dean or not was another issue. He had a girlfriend to think about now. So, it wasn’t currently a possibility for Sam. 

But then why did the thought of Dean with his belly round, and full with their child, make his stomach flutter every time? Why did he always try to find the leafy green eyes , everywhere he went, in whomever he met? Ugh…his head started pounding with all those thoughts. He held his head in his hands and chalked up the headache to not getting enough sleep. With the baby fussing and crying at night, Sam up and down all night. Lily, his colleague, saw him rubbing his head and offered him an aspirin. Sam gratefully took the pill and tried not to overthink things at the moment. Besides, what was he supposed to say to Dean when they met? The gap of nearly a year was almost too much and Sam couldn’t let go of the fact that Dean had successfully managed to keep his child from him. Sam was clearly not ready to see Dean. Because he was still in conflict in regard to his feelings for his big brother; the one whom he had loved and the one who had loved him back freely.

To say that the meeting had only added to the pounding in his head was an understatement . By the time it had ended, Sam was ready to crawl up the walls. He was unable to concentrate on what his boss had been saying. The reason behind the lack of focus had been clear, he was thinking about how to approach Dean and how the hell he was going to raise their baby. He still had no idea how to approach the ‘Dean Problem’, just like he and no idea how he was supposed to proceed with handling Noah. These disturbing thoughts had plagued his mind and he was really having a hard time trying to concentrate on anything. He needed a plan , because merely sitting on his ass in the office would never solve his problem. He would have to approach this very delicately as the only thing he was sure of was the undeniable fact that he was just as guilty as his brother.

As he sat in his cubicle thinking about the night he left, he now understood the way Dean reacted and why he never informed Sam about the baby. That night, Sam had sprung the announcement on Dean unexpectedly. He could still remember the distraught look on his brother's face when he told him about his decision to take the job and move out of town. When he looked back, he realized that it wasn't a shock that Dean’s body language gave away. Oh no, Dean had looked as if his world had ended right there and then. He had wanted to console his brother and take him with him, but something held him back. Sam knows what it was now. It was guilt and fear. Guilt that he was in an incestuous relationship and fear of what someone would do if they discovered his secret.So, like the coward that he was, he had left his brother, and apparently his baby, back in that shitty town and now he was regretting his actions. He remembered that Friday night like it was yesterday. 

_ Dean had just come back from the nearby diner. “Hey, Sammy, how was your day? I got a cake . I know you’ll ramble about calories and my health but I wanna tell you something. It’s a special day. So, I thought some cake and ice cream would be a good way to celebrate, huh?” _

_ Dean was in a good mood and Sam hated to do this to his brother but he had no choice . He trailed behind Dean into the kitchen as Dean stored away the food and softly told his brother what he could only imagine would be the biggest shock of his life, “Dean, I’m leaving.” _

_ “You’re what?” Dean asked with a shocked gasp. _

_ “I’m leaving Dean. I joined the firm on Monday.” Sam held his ground. _

_ “B-but what about…us?” Dean asked, a bit shaken by the information. “You’ll …I mean…well, it’ll be hard, Sammy. A long distance relationship…” Dean’s eyes were swirling with emotions and Sam identified one of them as hope. Hope that he would ask Dean to come with him. That wasn’t going to happen. So, he cut off his brother before Dean had a chance to say anything else. _

_ “Dean, I’m leaving…permanently,” Sam said, speaking slowly as if speaking to a child, trying to make Dean understand. _

_ “You-you are? That means…” Dean trailed, he looked a bit pale as if he was about to throw up. “Wha-what ab-about m…I mean u-us? Wait, y-you said permanently…that means…you’re breaking up with me.” Heartbreak was evident in Dean’s eyes. He looked dead. Sam watched, fascinated, as a myriad of emotions played across his brother’s face and then moments later Dean composed himself and his voice took on a hard note. _

_ “So, you’re leaving…and never coming back.” It was more of a statement than a question. _

_ “Yeah, Dean…I’m leaving tonight and this is the end for us.” Sam observed as Dean shivered and swayed a bit but before Sam could manage to reach out and steady him, Dean was back in control. _

_ “Okay…okay…so you had it all planned out? Why tell me now? I mean…why didn’t you tell me before today?” _

_ “I knew you’d hold me back. And I don’t want to waste away in this shitty town and spend my whole life in an incestuous relationship with my own brother. I want a normal life. I want to get a job and have a wife and kids and a house with a backyard with a swing set. And we can’t have that, Dean. I can’t live anymore like this. I’m suffocating.” _

_ “You’re suffocating…oh, you’re suffocating? Really? What about me? Have you even for a second thought what this is doing to me? You’re not the only one who’s in an incestuous relationship. I’m right there too. Don’t you think I’m having troubles too?” _

_ “No…no, Dean. That’s not what I meant. I mean you…us…it’s not happening, Dean. You’re not enough for me.” The words had slipped out before Sam could even think about shutting his mouth. He looked at the horror on Dean’s face before an emotion of resignation surfaced in those leafy green eyes. _

_ “Then there’s nothing I could do or say…is there?” Dean struggled with words, eyes misty and shining with unshed tears, pain registering on his face. “When do you leave?” _

_ “Tonight. I’m taking the nine o'clock bus.” _

_ “Huh…okay…Can I at least have a last kiss?”  _

_ Sam could see his brother was at his breaking point and he was holding many things back, but he didn’t push. Besides, he would be free from this problem in a matter of hours, so it wouldn’t hurt to have a last kiss, would it? _

_ “Okay” Sam agreed and stepped closer to his brother and took him into his arms to plant a passionate kiss, trying to savor the moment. This would be the last time he was going to be touching Dean, ever. He tried deepening the kiss, to remember the essence of Dean, only to taste the salty tears that were running down those freckled cheeks. _

_ They spend their time, mostly in silence, Dean staring at Sam for the longest moment as if trying to catalogue him in his memories. _

_ When Sam said goodbye, Dean didn’t stop him. Instead he waved his goodbye, one hand waving at Sam and the other clutching at his stomach. _

If Sam had to take a guess, then he was definitely sure that the little celebration that Dean had planned was supposed to be of them , basking in the joy that they had conceived a child together. However, Sam had ruined all the plans by blindsiding Dean with the news that he was leaving without him, that their relationship was over. And that, Sam believed, must have been the moment when Dean decided not to disclose the news about them having a baby. Now, reflecting back on that night, Sam felt like an asshole. Gosh...what a cluster fuck. He imagined the roles being reversed and Sam had ended up pregnant, how would he have fared? Would Sam have done what Dean had done? Even the thought of it seemed far too terrifying and he was not strong enough to have weathered the storm all by himself. To imagine Dean doing it all alone sent chills down his spine as his gut twisted with pain.

Although it made one thing perfectly clear to him – He had to find Dean and talk to him.  _ Soon _ .

When Sam reached his apartment, he was glued to the spot at seeing his son laughing at the funny faces Jess was making as she gently changed his clothes, then picked him up to put him to bed. She halted when she saw Sam standing at the door, watching them fondly and blushed a little.

“Hey, Daddy, say goodnight to Noah. He’s ready for bed. Aren’t you little cutie pie?” Jess cooed and all Sam could imagine was Dean holding their baby and being a father to Noah. For a second, intense desire piled up inside him at the thought of Dean playing the role of his spouse. But the girly giggle at Noah’s antics that Jess lets out , brings Sam back to reality. He immediately recoiled. What was he doing, thinking of Dean like that? Especially when he has a beautiful girlfriend. He quickly marched to them and kissed his son goodnight after having kissed Jess like a starved man.

Jess smiled, thinking Sam was acting possessive just from seeing her with his baby. So she sent him a sultry look that promised all the kinky stuff they would do later. She knew this was her chance to get Sam back in the sack, because she was sure Sam was going to let Dean in and she would become a third wheel. That was why to ensure that never happened, she had to act fast.

They made love, it was quick and rough and it doesn’t didn’t last long although Jess tried her best to keep Sam engaged by kissing him or simply touching him all over. But finally, when she understood he was too sensitive to touch and that Sam was already half asleep, she kissed Sam one last time and cocooned herself in his embrace. Sam immediately embraced her and held her tight as he whispered “Love you, Dean”. And that had her instantly wide awake. She knew there was a possibility that Sam would never get over Dean. But to hear him say Dean’s name after just having a quickie was simply enraging. She stayed up all night, thinking about the next course of action, because there was no way in Hell that she was going to let go of Sam, not when she had a boyfriend and a readymade baby out of it.

++++++++++++++++++++


	3. Chapter Three

The next morning, Sam was woken up by Noah’s cries. Jess was still asleep, so he decided to let her be and went to get his baby. “Hey there, little guy. Good morning.” Sam swiftly picked up Noah and bounced him trying to get him to calm down. “Shhh….sh…Daddy’s here, buddy. No need to cry.” Instead of calming though, Noah started crying louder, waving his arms and kicking his legs, eyes roaming around the room as if trying to find something. Or was it someone…

“Noah, baby. What’s the matter? Are you wet?” Sam cooed at his son while he laid him on the changing table to check his diaper, “You’re not wet. What’s the fuss about, baby? Aww…hush…it’s gonna be okay.”

Sam thought maybe he was hungry so he picked up his son and went into the kitchen and made a bottle. Once he checked the milk for temperature and found it okay, he tried giving it to the crying baby in his arms. To his surprise, his baby refused to eat. “What is going on with you, little guy? Why are you crying?” Sam felt so helpless. He tried everything but to no avail. Noah refused to calm down. At one point, the little guy threw his body backward, throwing the biggest tantrum ever, his eyes still searching for something.

In a fit of panic, Sam looked around for the basket that his son had been delivered in and he found a little stuffed rabbit. He picked it up and showed it to Noah. That immediately had an effect. Noah’s cries turned into sniffling as the chubby hands grabbed the toy and pressed his face into it. That was when Sam got the first sniff at the toy. It smelled like Dean…like home..woah…where did  _ that _ come from? Sam tried not to dwell on that thought too long. Noah was crying and then immediately calmed down when he found the toy that smelled like Dean. Sam’s brain came to a halt when he realized that his son was looking for his father.

Noah was looking for Dean.

Sam was still standing, paralyzed in the living room when Jess came down, still half asleep.

“What’s the matter? Why’s Noah crying?” 

“Umm…I think…Jess, I think he’s trying to find Dean.”

“What?”

“I think…Noah…he misses Dean. Look, he was crying as if his whole world had ended, and then when I gave him this toy that still smells like Dean, he started calming down. I think…he needs Dean.”

“Sam, you’re not possibly…”

“I think I’m gonna find Dean, Jess. I grew up without parents. I understand what it feels like to be abandoned and I can’t do that to a baby. I won’t let Noah go through what I went through. So, I’m gonna let Dean have a chance to be in Noah’s life.”

“So, you’re planning on bringing Dean here, in the city or…I don’t know. How the Hell are we supposed to work that out?”

“I don’t know, Jess. I really don’t know. Maybe I should go and talk to him first.”

“Yeah and what happens to us? You’re not planning on dumping me, are you?”

“God, no Jess. It’s not about us. It's about my son and his birth parent. That’s all. I love you, Jess. I can’t. . .”

“That’s all I need to hear Sam.” Jess closed the distance between them and kissed Sam’s cheek. “That’s all I need from you. As far as I’m concerned, if Dean doesn’t interfere, I’m okay with sharing you and Noah with him. If he agrees, that is.”

“Yeah. Okay.” Sam smiled as he leaned down to kiss his girlfriend. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was to have such a considerate girlfriend like Jess. Yet, he couldn’t quite shake the guilt that clouded his mind.

“Okay, do you want me to take over with Noah or you got it?”

“Yeah, I got it,” Sam replied confidently, yet couldn’t help but feel something was off.

“Alright, I'm gonna go , sleep some more. Be quick, okay? ” Jess went back to the bedroom, wiggling her hips a little trying to entice Sam. It wasn’t working because all Sam could focus on was Noah and Dean. Something melted in Sam’s chest as he thought of Dean holding their baby and putting him to bed. He smiled at that thought and then he immediately turned serious once he remembered that Dean had kept him in the dark regarding his pregnancy. Yet, he was gonna swallow his anger and find Dean, despite the betrayal.

Whatever, he had bigger things to worry about. He had Noah to worry about. He looked down at the baby in his arms and was not surprised to see Noah blinking sleepily at him. The little guy had worn himself out and his tiny body must be exhausted after throwing a tantrum of that scale. Sam swayed slowly just to give a little rhythm so that Noah could go to sleep peacefully. Once his son was fast asleep, he quietly laid him down and went to the bathroom to take a shower.

The hot water did wonders for his tense back muscles. He kept thinking back to the scene of Noah crying as he tried to find his father. Noah looked so scared that for a second Sam had questioned his abilities of being a father. Then he had found the stuffed rabbit and Noah had calmed down immediately. He still couldn’t bring himself to forget what he had witnessed. Even if his son was only just over three months old, he was old enough to understand the scents and proximity of his parents. But that was to be expected, Sam figured. Because all his life Noah had only known Dean. He must have developed a bond with Dean, after all, he was Noah’s birth parent. And Sam had read somewhere that a bond between a father and son was something very special and was formed at the stage of conceiving itself. Nine months was a long time for the bond to be established and to thrive. That was exactly what had happened, Sam supposed. And he doubted Noah was going to be his happy self anytime soon . Sam had his concerns that these fits of longing and irritation were going to be happening more often,and he was going to be helpless against them. As he wouldn’t be able to give his child the one thing he desired the most.

His Father.

A plan formed in his mind. He had his brother’s location, but he wasn’t sure if Dean would be there yet or not. Whatever it may be, he was going to meet his brother. And he was going to talk to him and ask him to come live with them. He would provide for Dean as long as Dean wanted to stay, and in return Dean would get to be in Noah’s life and be the parent that Noah deserved. It would be a win-win situation for everyone. Besides, Dean would come in handy as neither he nor Jess could afford to stay home and be there for Noah 24/7. Without Dean, they’d need to find daycare or a nanny. Instead, Dean’s presence would be icing on the cake. His son would be taken care of, Dean would get to be in Noah’s life, and Sam could still have the family that he desired to give his son. It was brilliant.

The only problem in front of him was how he would convince his brother. Because Dean would never give in to that plan. He’d have to play his cards right in order to bring Dean back with him.

The water started running a bit cold and Sam was brought out of his musings. He shut off the shower and dried himself. He got himself busy with getting ready. He had Dean’s location, and after the incident with Noah he wasn’t going to spend more time hanging around trying to come up with ideas on how to approach Dean. He had just put his shirt on when he felt Jess come up behind him and embrace him. He tensed a bit but then relaxed.

“Going somewhere?” Jess’s sleepy voice asked.

“Yeah. Umm…Jess, Noah’s really missing his father and …”

“You’re leaving today, aren’t you? ” Jess pushed Sam’s shoulder to turn him around to face her. 

“Yes. The sooner I make it happen the better it will be for all of us. I can’t have my son all gloomy and I want him to grow up in a surrounding where both his parents are with him.”

“I understand Sam. I was just surprised that you put your plan into action so fast. That’s all. Just be careful, okay.”

“Thank you, Jess. I know it's a quick decision but the way he cried this morning…God, Jess, it broke my heart to see my son so distraught. I can’t wait any longer.”

Jess kept staring at Sam and the way he kept averting his eyes told her that something was bothering him, but she decided to keep quiet. She would have to save all of her energy to ensure that when Dean arrived, there was no doubt in his mind as to whom Sam belonged to. So she let it go, “Yeah, alright. So, when are you leaving? Let me get dressed. And most importantly are you taking the car or are you taking a cab?”

“No, I was thinking I would like to go with just Noah, Jess, if you don’t mind? It would make things extremely awkward if you were there,and I would rather take things slow with Dean. Give him time to get used to me again, before bringing you into the fold. Plus, it’d be like a road trip. Just father and son bonding time, you know?” Sam gave her his best smile, trying to stop Jess from accompanying them.

Jess understood the message clearly. Sam wanted to be alone with Dean to talk this through. The rational part of her brain thought that it was the best idea; normal really, but nothing about Sam and Dean and their relationship was normal. Besides she had an inkling that Sam still had feelings for his brother and leaving him alone with Dean would only intensify them. The look on Sam’s face though, the hopeful one, had her understanding and she gave up, “Okay, Sam. I don’t like it, but I understand. But babe, if you are going to take the car, then you need a car seat for Noah first. We still need a crib as well, since he's been sleeping in the pack-N-play that I bought for him.

“Oh yes, indeed. I totally forgot. I’ll do it first thing after breakfast. The crib will have to wait though. As I’ve already placed an order for a custom-made crib and they’re going to deliver it this Friday.” Sam told her, his voice full of excitement.

“Oh my God, Baby , that’s awesome. Our little guy will have his own crib to sleep in. That’s so cool.”

Something twisted inside Sam when Jess called Noah “our little guy”. It felt wrong and misplaced. Noah wasn’t theirs. Noah was Sam and Dean’s. He was a Winchester. And something fiercely protective and possessive bloomed in his heart at Jess’ mention of Noah being hers. “ _ My _ son will have the best of everything,” he declared, his gaze and voice both hard, just to drive home the message. There were limits and Jess had to abide by them. Especially now that he planned on bringing Dean back with him.

The coldness of the glare that Sam shot her and his hard tone was enough for Jess to know that Sam didn’t appreciate her crossing the boundaries he obviously had set. It scared her a bit and she took two steps back, trying to placate Sam. “Yeah. Of course.”

Knowing that the message was received, Sam marched off to the kitchen to make himself some toast and scrambled eggs, not paying the stunned Jess any mind. As far as he was concerned, she had crossed the line and he would let her stew for awhile.

Once he entered the kitchen he grabbed OJ out of the fridge and got busy with making eggs and toast. When the food was ready, he settled down at the table and started eating. That was when he realized how rude he had been to the women who had never judged him. She had never complained when a baby was suddenly forced into their lives. In fact, Jess had started playing the role of mother to Noah, easing off Sam’s burden. And what had he done? He had been rude to her just because she called Noah ‘their little guy’. He looked up as Jess came down with a baby monitor in her hand and quietly settled in front of him with her own plate. He observed her delicate form sitting there and she looked a little shaken, a sad expression on her face. Guilt slammed hard into him.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, unable to look Jess in the eye.

Jess looked up at Sam, surprised at the apology coming from him. He looked like a little puppy who had been kicked and she promptly melted, “It's okay, Sam, ” softly she said, taking his big hands in her own smaller ones.

“No it's not. It was pretty rude of me to get angry at you and definitely uncalled for. You’ve been so helpful, Jess. I just don’t know why I reacted so badly.”

“It’s okay. I understand, Sam. It’s the protective father in you. And I don’t blame you. Had I been in your position, I may have acted in the same manner. Besides, it’s the truth, isn’t it? I’m not Noah’s parent. I’m not his mother. I’m just his caretaker. But you’re his father, Sam. So I don’t mind you going all caveman on me.” Jess smiled, trying to ease the tension between them.

“Thanks, Jess. And even if you aren’t related to him by blood, you’re still going to be his aunt,” Sam offered with a smile.

Jess wasn’t thrilled. She wanted something more on the lines of stepmother, because Aunt Jess had married Dad. Sam was just wrong in his thinking. But, she would make it happen. For now, being referred to as aunt was fine. She smiled as they continued silently eating and cleaning up after that; the tension between them reasonably eased for now.

“Okay, I guess I’ll head out before he wakes up and buy s a car seat. You don’t mind staying with him, do you?” Sam hesitantly asked Jess.

Jess laughed, “Sam,I think I’ve got good experience in handling babies. You do know that I have nieces and nephews, right?. So, I guess I will probably be quite okay with him. Go do your thing,” She pecked Sam on his lips and headed towards Noah’s bedroom just as he started fussing.

Meanwhile, Sam left the apartment, his mind full of apprehension and memories of his time with Dean. While he drove around aimlessly for some time, he made calls to his firm, calling in sick for the rest of the week. Once he was done, his mind reflected back to Dean. The mere thought of his name had Sam smiling, and a warm feeling blossomed in his heart. Dean had the greenest eyes and the cutest freckles, the plushest pink lips and spiked hair; his brother was the most beautiful thing Sam had ever seen. And that still stood true to this day. Even Jess, sweet, girly Jess, was nothing compared to the beauty that was Dean.

As he drove, he still couldn’t help but compare Dean and Jess. Jess was all pretty, delicate, and girly, whereas Dean was broad-shouldered, muscular, and strong. And Sam didn’t mind that Dean had the ability to manhandle Sam sometimes. In fact, he liked it. More than he’d ever admit. There were times when he’d missed his brother so much that his heart ached. But he had made the stupid decision to end things with Dean, and so he had to suck it up and live his life. When Jess came along, it didn’t hurt as much as it had , not having Dean in his life. He was happy with Jess. But never content. Deep down he knew why, but he was not in a position to acknowledge it until now.

Sam needed to focus on Noah and getting Dean back in his life for their child’s sake,and not so much on Dean’s gorgeousness. Especially not when he had Jess now, and they were pretty serious. He shook himself out of his musings and drove to the store to get his son a car seat. As of now Noah would be his one and only priority.

_ But Dean was too! _ His mind screamed at him.

Sam ignored it in preference of parking his car and getting into the store to purchase the essentials he needed for his road trip with Noah. 

++++++++++++++++++++++


	4. Chapter Four

Sam had been on the road for an hour now, with Noah safely tucked in his car seat, blissfully sleeping. Sam was still unsure about what he would say to Dean. He was wary of Dean’s reaction. All his life, growing up with his brother, one thing that he knew for sure was that Dean was fiercely independent. He would rather die than ask for help. The man was as stubborn as they came. Sam had to figure it out though. Besides, now that he knew they had a baby, Sam’s heart was hammering in his chest, beating faster the closer he came to the town where Dean’ phone had last been seen. The thought of finally seeing his brother made Sam’s heart race, but also twisted his stomach into knots. The last time they had been together, it hadn’t gone well. To say the least. He could still remember the distraught look in Dean’s eyes as he left, the hurt, and the anger.

Sam often wondered if he should have asked Dean to come with him to the city. They could have been together. Dean could have found a job and they would have shared a house. Then he would have have been there with Dean during the whole pregnancy. He would have gotten to witness the baby’s first sonogram, listened to the baby’s heartbeat, be there for the gender reveal, and the birth. Everything. He was sure he would have even enjoyed Dean’s mood swings. He smiled at that thought. Dean would have looked beautiful his belly swollen with their child, and Sam would have happily spent hours just caressing Dean’s belly and talking to their child. Gosh, he had lost so much. Just because his dumb brother had decided to hide his pregnancy from him. Anger once again flared in his mind. How dare Dean do that to him? He’d confront Dean about it and even if he refused at first, he wouldn't budge until he got the answers to his questions. 

Sam was engrossed so much in his thoughts that he almost didn’t see the sign declaring “Now Entering the Town of Cove”. The town held memories for Sam. He and Dean had both relocated to this town a year before Sam decided to leave. They’d moved to the town with a hope of settling down. After their Mom succumbed to cancer when Sam was 10. Their Dad had found solace in alcohol. John couldn’t accept Mary’s death, and gambling and drinking were his constant companions. It was Dean who had struggled and taken it upon himself to provide for he and Sam. Dean worked as a part-time mechanic in the garage after school and as a newspaper boy in the morning before school. With the meager income they managed to pay their rent and feed themselves. John became a wayward father, leaving for days at a time. He would tell the boys that he was looking for a new job, but they both knew he was running away from the town, from the memories of Mary. He would send some cash now and then to the boys, but the father they knew had died with their mother.

Once Sam turned fifteen , he took a job at a library helping out Dean in keeping the roof over their heads. His brother had managed to graduate school with good grades despite his struggles and having to work multiple jobs. Sam was particularly proud of the way Dean had managed to balance school and work, taking care of himself and his brother. Plus, it was a bonus that his brother was the most handsome man he had ever seen. Dean had become his constant, in absence of their father. But in his adolescent years, his feelings for Dean turned into something more than just brotherly affection. He was ashamed of himself at first, and later terrified and confused when he got a hard-on watching his classmate Symphony Nichols, the head cheerleader, at a football game. And when he saw Dean bending and shifting while he cleaned up their living room. But that didn’t happen when he saw other boys. Oh no, his feelings were Dean specific. He did some research and concluded that he was more of "Dean sexual," than bisexual.

Then one day, he had seen a guy approach Dean at the diner ,  while they were celebrating Sam’s graduation. The mood was somber because just two months before, John had died in a car accident , when his car rammed into a truck while he was driving, drunk as usual. Dean had grieved the most , between the two of them. Because even if he was an absent father, he was one of the last left of their family. They were both still recovering when Dean announced that enough was enough and they’d be celebrating Sam’s achievement. Sam had been so enraged at the scene in front of him, when the handsome guy slipped Dean his mobile number, that he didn’t even speak to Dean for the rest of the night. The next evening though, when he saw Dean getting dressed for the date, he couldn’t stop himself. He marched into his brother’s room and kissed him. It was one of the most wonderful feelings of his entire life.

_ “You little pervert. How long have you been waiting to do that?” Dean asked, breathing heavily, his hands tangled in Sam’s hair. _

_ “Maybe I was waiting for you to take the first step, big brother,” Sam smirked and once again leaned forward to enjoy his brother’s smooth, plump, and soft lips. The sweet kisses quickly turned to a messy make-out session, none of them even bothering to question what they were doing. _

_ “You’re going to be a possessive little bastard, aren’t you?” _

_ That got Sam’s attention quickly. He almost growled, and then kissed Dean passionately. “You’re mine, you understand? No one else is going to touch you but me.” _

_ Dean’s only response had been a simple nod and deep moan of “Sammy please”. _

_ They stumbled into the bed not soon after and rutted into each other, half naked. Once they both had time to come down from the highs of their climax then _ _ , _ _ Sam’s brain kicked in with questions and nervousness. _

_ “ Dean, we’re brothers.” _

_ “Really, I didn’t know that. Thanks for letting me know, Sammy,” his brother snarked. _

_ Sam slapped his brother’s chest and leaned up on his elbow, once again mesmerized by the leafy green eyes, “Jerk. I’m serious though. What we just did… If people find out…” _

_ “People be damned Sammy. I know I’ve loved you for a very long time and now I know you feel the same. So, if we both are consenting adults and we both want it then no one else needs to know.” _

_ “But Dean, we can’t be out in the open. I mean we can’t go on dates and I can’t show you off as much as I want, because everyone here knows that you’re my brother.” _

_ “Sammy, we can still go out together. No one is going to know what we are until we stand in public space and kiss. And that is definitely not happening is it? We’ll be careful with it. Or we can have dates, right here, in the house.” _

_ “But Dean, what if I want people to know that you’re mine?” _

_ Dean stared at his brother for a long time, but then a big smile spread across his face and he brought Sam down by his neck to place a sweet kiss on his brother’s face. “Well then Sammy, once you are done with college, we’ll leave. Go somewhere no one knows us and settle down as a couple.” _

_ And that had been how they came to reside at Cove, which was far away from their hometown.  _

It was hard to be together without giving themselves away. But they managed, with a hope that one day, they would finally be able to live as a couple together. They left their hometown the day Sam completed his law degree from the community college. They decided to change their identities. Dean decided to take his mother’s surname. They had legal documents stating the changes and from that day on Dean was a Campbell and Sam was a Winchester. It’d be easier that way to tell people that they were a couple. They rented a house which was under the care of an old guy named Bobby Singer and Sam took a job at a local law firm while Dean had opened his own garage. They had saved up enough by then to afford a small house. Dean had taken a liking to it immediately. They settled into a routine pretty quickly. Sam had a house, a job, and a partner, not to mention , the most amazing sex life he could have ever imagined. Yet, he had a feeling of emptiness in his chest. He wanted to become a well-known lawyer one day and this town had nothing to offer him.

Sam was initially very excited, until one day he started feeling suffocated and he had the urge to run away and live a normal life. Not like this one, where girls would hit on him or some homophobic assholes treating them with contempt. He didn’t know exactly what triggered his decision, but he knew he had to leave. He needed to get away. And that was what he ended up doing, albeit not as maturely as he had hoped .

Now, as he drove through the familiar streets, he was hit with an urge to run away again. Maybe it was the town and not him that made him run away, he mused. He drove until he reached the house that he knew his brother still lived in. . The small two-bedroom house was still the same, with a small garden next to the driveway. He parked the car and checked on Noah. His son was still fast asleep. He smiled at the chubby cheeks that were graced with a small smile indicating the baby was dreaming. Sam got out of the car and slowly picked up his son, hoping not to disturb his sleep. He picked up the small diaper bag and headed towards the door.

“Well, I’ll be damned. Sam Winchester is back,” a gruff voice sounded from behind Sam. He turned and was greeted by a very angry Bobby Singer. The guy was dressed as usual; a ratty black t-shirt and an old green button down with faded and slightly torn up jeans and his signature ball cap. Even if the man came off as intimidating, he had a warm heart. In fact, Bobby became their father figure when he found out that the boys were in a relationship, having warned them about some rich homphobic assholes that lived in town. Bobby had even confronted the Jacksons when they had created a scene against Harvelle Associates, which was run by Ellen Harvelle and her daughter Jo, for hiring a gay lawyer. Needless to say, the Jacksons had never crossed their paths after that eventful day.

“Hey, Bobby. How are you?” Sam waved at the man.

“Save the pleasantries boy. I’m not here to welcome you. In fact I’m here to kick your ass back across that town line. What the hell are you doing here?” Bobby’s harsh words made him cringe. He deserved that.

“I’m here to see Dean,”Sam spoke hesitantly, now squirming under the man’s hard gaze. The baby must have sensed his uneasiness because Noah’s little nap time was over and he started fussing a bit. “Shh…baby, daddy’s right here. How was your nap, huh, my little peanut?” Sam cooed at the baby and nuzzled his face. Noah immediately started giggling when Sam’s hair touched his face. He made grabby hands at those soft bangs but Sam managed to push his hair back before Noah grabbed the long strands. 

“Dear God, you brought the baby.” Bobby’s voice sounded flat. When Sam looked up to the man, he was thrown off a bit seeing Bobby’s face wracked with pain. Sam was sure he saw those hard eyes wet and shining as they observed the little bundle that was dressed in a blue onesie and a brown cap, wrapped up in a soft blue blanket, currently trying to catch Sam’s nose while making soft gurgling noises.

“Bobby are you okay?” Sam asked, worried.

Bobby’s focus shifted from the baby to Sam again and he could feel the tension rolling off of the old man in waves. This wasn’t going the way he planned. In fact he had never planned on meeting Bobby at all. It was a bit surprising. And Bobby was acting very weird. “Why do you want to see Dean? Wasn’t it enough torture when you left him? What, now you’re back just to rub it in that you now have a job, a baby, and a girlfriend? What has Dean done to you that you’re punishing him for?”

Okay, now Sam was really confused. “Punishing? Bobby, I’m here just to talk to Dean. And I tortured Dean? When? In fact it was Dean who hid the fact of him being pregnant with my child. In theory I had no knowledge of my son’s existence so I am the victim here, not the other way around.” 

“Damn you, you knucklehead. You were the one that left. You have no idea what Dean’s been through the past year. I don’t really know what went down between the two of you, but I was here to pick up the pieces after you left. Not to mention the whole pregnancy.”

“And whose fault was that? Had he told me about Noah, I would have come back and stayed with him.” The argument sounded lame even to Sam’s ears. He knew that had Dean asked him to stay,he would have stayed for the sake of the baby and eventually they would have fallen apart. But they would have figured it out. Them. Together. Dean had no right to hide his own child from him! He was angry that he was deprived of witnessing all of the special moments.

“Do you even hear yourself? He let you go, you moron. He didn’t want you to stay because of some responsibility or because you felt you had to stay for the baby. That would have confirmed that you were stuck here and Dean and the baby would never be enough for you. He never planned on disturbing your life. He left the baby with you because he knew you could care for him. You have the means to do it. So why did you come back? Why?” Bobby’s voice was growing in frustration and it had an effect on Noah as he became silent and looked at the man with wide eyes and small frown on his chubby face. Sam tucked him under his chin, one hand supporting his head and the other supporting his butt. He swayed a little to distract Noah, praying he wouldn't start crying.

“Bobby, would you please lower your voice? Noah’s getting upset. And I really don’t think I should be telling you the details of my visit, not before I speak to Dean.”

“No!” Bobby yelled, but then realized his mistake when Noah started crying. He cringed. He didn’t want to make the baby cry. But he also couldn’t let Sam see Dean because he knew that the Dean who was working at the diner was not the Dean Sam had left behind. Sam’s Dean died the day he left. And Noah’s father died the day he left the baby into Sam’s care. The Dean that now lived in town and worked at the diner was a fragile and broken man. Seeing Sam and the baby would only add insult to injury. And he had seen Dean break down enough to have those memories for a lifetime. “No, you can’t see him. You have to go before…” His words trailed off as he saw a truck approaching them.

A moment later, the truck stopped and Jo stepped out of the truck. “Hey Bobby, glad I found you. Can you open the door please? Dean’s heading here and I wanted to surprise him with his favorite pie that Mom made today and she’s …” Now Jo’s words trailed off as she saw the reason Bobby was down here in the driveway of Dean’s house. She was just as shocked as Bobby had been when he found out Sam was back. The surprise quickly faded into anger though and she shouted at Sam, “What the Hell are you doing here?” When she got no response, she turned to Bobby, “What is this guy doing here, Bobby? He’s not supposed to be here.”

“I know. But he says he has to talk to Dean.”

“Damn, I warned Dean against leaving a letter. I told him to let me accompany him and talk to that guy. But he wouldn’t listen. I was afraid this would happen,” she huffed.

Jo was still as fiery as Sam remembered. Even though she was small in height, she was a fierce and strong woman. She had the ability to intimidate a guy of Sam’s size. She gave him an appraising look and her hard eyes softened as she saw the baby. But that look went away as quickly as it came and she sounded worried, “Bobby, Dean cannot see him. He just can’t. He’s barely holding up as it is. We can’t let this guy take away whatever is left of him.”

Sam was not comprehending what was going on. Why was everyone talking of Dean so protectively? Why was Dean so important to them? Unbeknownst to him, he was about to get answers to all his curious questions.

Jo and Bobby were still talking, their body language tense when they all heard a voice, “Well, is it my birthday today? Or are we having one of those parties that no one bothered to tell me about?”

Bobby and Jo immediately turned toward the sound of Dean’s voice, trying to hide Sam’s presence. What they both forgot was that Sam was taller than both of them, and that no matter how much he tried, Dean would always find him wherever he was. 

Sam watched bewildered as Dean entered the driveway, he didn’t carry himself the way he used to, he was hunched in on himself, making him look smaller than he really was and he looked like he had lost some weight. A myriad of emotions passed on his brother’s face when he spotted Sam and then he watched Dean go pale, shaking like a leaf, eyes wet, and then he promptly passed out. 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++


	5. Chapter Five

Dean was just walking out of the diner where he worked as a waiter after completing his morning shift when Ellen walked in. She asked him where he was going and when he told her he was heading home, she decided to accompany him, despite his repeated refusal. He had nothing to do, not until his evening shift started. His plan was to drown himself in self-pity by sitting in the chair in the nursery , with one of the baby’s onesies clutched to his chest and crying his heart out. And Ellen was going to crash his plan. That was why he was reluctant to let her come with him. But he knew how persistent the woman could be so he gave up. Besides, some company could definitely do him some good.

When he neared his home though, he was surprised to see Jo and Bobby standing in the middle of the driveway talking quietly to each other. He understood what these guys were doing. They were trying to keep him busy and distract him from thinking about his son who he had abandoned, and Sam, who was the love of his life. What he never thought of was the possibility of getting confronted by Sam while Sam was holding Noah and standing by Dean's side door. He didn’t believe his eyes at first, but then he got close and heard the baby fussing in Sam’s arms and he knew it was true. The emotions of hurt, guilt, rage, and love hit him hard, all at once, and with full force. His body didn’t have the capacity to take the blow of his emotions and he started sweating. He felt so cold, and seeing Sam took his breath away, and then everything went black.

Dean flashed back on how it felt when he found out he was pregnant. So far he’d been keeping those feelings buried, trying not to think about how Sam left him. But now, looking at Sam standing right in his driveway with Noah cradled in his arms, opened the wounds that he thought he had sewn closed. It all started when he began feeling kind of weird and uneasy. He was nauseous and got tired easily. He had some cramps in his legs and the smell of coffee made him throw up. Sam had even made fun of him that with the amount of coffee he devoured throughout the day, it was coffee that was nauseated by Dean instead. It had gone on for two weeks when Dean overheard a conversation between some of his employees at the garage. Aaron had found out that his girlfriend was pregnant. That’s when the lightbulb in Dean’s mind went off. The symptoms were damn near similar. He had been convinced that his symptoms were due to a stomach bug that had been going around but after the idea of being pregnant had crossed his mind, he decided to see a doctor. Dr. Pamela Barnes was the only obgyn available in the town and was at her patients beck and call. She was a chatty flirt, and had become a good friend of his, especially when he had fixed the dent in her car made by the stupid skating teens, while enduring all the flirting. Then when Dean told her about already being taken, she had apologized but promised never to give up. After all, he was one handsome guy that anyone could kill to have. Not literally of course. Hah! He made an appointment and took all the tests. Just one look at Dr. Barnes and he knew he was pregnant.

Dean had loved the idea of carrying a child one day. He just didn’t expect he’d be carrying his brother’s child. The baby would be their own flesh and blood. The day he’d found out that he was pregnant was one of the most defining moments of his life. He was scared about the added responsibility. He knew they were still struggling, but he thought they’d manage. His doctor had told him that this pregnancy was going to be hard because he was already considered high risk. Male pregnancies were not unheard of but still rare. They were usually high risk due to the male bodies not being naturally designed to carry, nurture and deliver a healthy baby.. He’d been scared when his doctor had insisted on an ultrasound right away. But then he heard the baby’s heartbeat on the doppler and saw the baby which was tiny peanut shaped blub during his ultrasound, and he knew he’d do anything to keep the child safe and secure. Dean was already in love with his baby. He wished that Sam was here with him , so that he could experience this beautiful moment too. He told himself that if not this time, then next time Sam would definitely be here. He was sure that Sam would be thrilled with the idea of having a child , together. After all, he'd always wanted a family. Something they both never had a chance to experience. Yet, he was nervous. What if Sam didn’t want it?  With their combined paychecks, they had been able to cover the cost of their living expenses, but taking on the additional expense of a baby would have them tightening their belts . There would be some tense moments, he knew, but he believed they’d figure it out. Together.

Dean decided to surprise Sam and after Pamela had printed out some ultrasound pictures, he left the hospital, almost bouncing on his feet. He went to the store to pick out a gallon of ice cream and decided to go for a cake instead of pie. He was happy and found himself touching his barely showing belly every now and then. He merrily went on his way, never guessing that one of his biggest nightmares was about to come true. 

When he saw Sam, his face serious, he knew something wasn’t right. Then Sam told him that he was leaving and that Dean wasn’t enough for him. Everything collapsed in that moment. Life had always been hard on him. This time though, life wasn’t just hard, it beat the shit out of him. For a moment he forgot to breathe, but then Sam was leaving. He waited and waited for Sam to say that Dean could come with him; they could figure it all out. Alas, the invitation he so desperately wanted never came and Sam still left. He wanted Sam to stay with all of his heart. He wanted Sam to say he loved him and that this was all a joke, a prank to make fun of Dean. But Sam still left, saying Dean wasn’t enough!

Dean wanted to tell Sam about the pregnancy. He wanted his brother to know that he was about to become a father. But he didn’t. Because he knew Sam would stay for the baby and not for him. His brother mentioned that he felt suffocated and Dean didn’t want to add to his problems by asking him to stay. It would be cruel to both of them because then, they would be inevitably headed for worse. They would end up hating each other. And Dean didn’t want his brother to hate him. He wanted Sam to love him and, in return, love Sam. For all of his life, Sam was his only truth. His identity. His heart. His world. To have it all ripped away left him empty and numb. His entire world was crumbling in front of his eyes and he couldn’t do anything about it. Sam still left, without even saying the magic words that Dean desperately wanted to hear.

When he understood that Sam was firm in his choice, there was nothing in the world stopping his brother from doing it. Dean was resigned. How had he not sensed Sam falling out of love with him? Just yesterday, they had mind blowing sex, with Sam whispering words of love in his ear. Was it all a lie, he wondered. Before his brother could leave Dean asked for a kiss. A simple goodbye kiss. To remember what it felt like being loved and to remember what love tasted like. He poured all of his feelings into the kiss, hoping that his brother would get the message. Dean wanted to say that he loved him, tell him that he’d always love him and that he was more in love with him because he was responsible for giving him a child. A family.

Dean didn’t. He watched as his brother left for the bus and away from him forever. Then he locked the door, went to his room, lay down in bed and broke down. Harsh sobs wracked his body when the scent of his brother filled his nostrils. How many countless nights had Dean spent in those strong arms, a sense of belonging filling his heart? How many nights had they spent just talking and sharing their secrets and future plans with each other? How many long nights had they spent, sweaty and tangled up together, whispering declarations of love? And how many nights had Dean spent dreaming of this being forever? He clutched Sam’s pillow to his chest and remembered the time when his little brother would follow him anywhere. He remembered the first time his brother called him “Dee”. He remembered the time when he had scratched his elbow, trying to keep Sammy from falling off the swing. Logically, Dean should have been the one crying. Instead his little brother had cried the most. He remembered that conversation when he was a mere six-year-old and Sam was two. He was sitting in his room, his mom had just patched him up with Sam sitting beside him, silently crying.

“ _ I-I’m sowy Dee. I no wanna make you fall. I only wanna make you smile. Have fun. I’m sowy you hurt.” _

_ “Hey, it’s not your fault Sam,” Mary said. _

_ “B-but it is.” Sam wailed, “Dee hurt for me. He has to be happy. Not sad. Not hurt.” _

_ “Little guy, it’s okay. It’s not that bad. It’s just a scratch, isn’t it, Dean?” _

_ “Not at all.” Dean gave his brother a fond smile and picked him up, seating him in his lap. “I’m alright Sammy. And it’s not your fault. I had to save you. It’s my job as your big brother. Isn’t it? To keep you safe.” _

_ “No more hurt?” Sam asked hesitantly.  _

_ Dean laughed and kissed the floppy haired boy, “No, it just itches.” _

_ “Powmise?” Sam asked, his shiny hazel eyes making him look like a puppy, his face full of innocence. _

_ “I promise. Now let’s play with your blocks for a while, okay?” _

_ “Okay, Dee. I pwomise not to hurt you. I will get my blocks. You rest okay?” Sam obediently agreed and went in search of his blocks. But not before kissing Dean’s cheek and his elbow where the bandage was placed. _

How he wished he could go back to those times, when Sam loved him and adored him enough to make him feel valued. He wished he could go back to that moment and tell Sam that he loved him very much or hold him tighter to his chest just a little longer and cherish the moment; where he was Sam’s entire world. He smiled, unknowingly as he was hit with another memory of Sam sleeping in his bed , after their Mom died. His brother would never sleep without snuggling into Dean.

Dean folded himself more around the pillow, just like he used to curl around Sammy. He cried until his tears dried and he fell into a restless sleep. When he woke up, at first he couldn't tell if it was night or day. As sleep subsided and his brain began to function, he realized that he had been up most of the night crying since it was now noon . His stomach grumbled and he remembered he hadn’t eaten anything. Plus, he had to take his meds too. Pamela had told him that the swollen legs and cramps were a result of him being overworked. He had to slow down. Dr. Barnes had already cautioned him about the risk of his pregnancy and specifically told him not to exert himself. He got up and went down to the kitchen and found the cake. All that the cake and ice cream reminded him of was the lost opportunity. But he also wanted to eat it, as a celebration of life. He had conceived, and the cake was a medium to celebrate. The only thing missing was Sam. Sam was supposed to be celebrating with him. Sam was supposed to shower him with love and kisses. He was supposed to be happy, basking in the joy of the life they had created. Instead, he was here, left heartbroken, alone, and longing for comfort.

Dean ate the cake, tears running down his cheeks and hiccupping in between, as he was hit with a ton of memories of when it was Sam’s turn to grocery shop and instead of buying pie, as Dean told him to, he bought cake. Or when that one time, on Dean’s birthday, Sam decided to bake a pie and burnt it. As a last minute saver, Sam had rushed to the nearby bakery and bought a cake instead. He also remembered the times when they had fought over getting a pie or a cake as he was partial to pie and Sam was partial to cake. How he wished that in those times, instead of fighting with Sam, he would have just smiled and eaten the damn cake. Hey, at least Sam came back to him. This time, Dean b r ought the cake only for Sam to leave him permanently. He could only eat a piece of cake before he inhaled too fast and a piece of cake got stuck in his throat and he was coughing. He got up and took a water bottle out of the fridge and gulped it all in one go. When the coughing subsided, he slid down, leaning back on the fridge, knees near his chest. Had Sam been here, he would have fussed over Dean, scolding him for eating too fast, patting his back, and giving him a glass of water. But Sam was not here. Sam had left. Shattering Dean’s heart and leaving him behind to pick up the pieces and mend his broken heart.

This wasn’t how he pictured his pregnancy. Sam had said that Dean wasn’t enough. How had he not seen this coming? Was he so self-absorbed that he couldn’t even figure out that he was not what Sam wanted? Was he so selfish that he thought because he was happy, Sam would be too? Was he so pathetic that everyone he loved left him? First Mom, then Dad, and now Sammy. The only one left was his baby, whom he loved more than life. But he was sure, once the baby found out how pathetic he was, it would reject him too. The thought was so scary that Dean felt bile rising in his throat. He rushed to the bathroom and puked his guts out. He flushed the toilet and sat down beside the basin. He remembered two weeks ago when he first vomited. Sam had come rushing into the bathroom, placing a wet cloth on his neck and caressing his back slowly in circles. He remembered how Sammy had helped him clean up and gently picked him up and took him to their room to lay down on the bed. He had prepared chicken broth while Dean rested with his upset stomach. Sam had been so caring and loving, even agreeing to snuggle with Dean and watch a movie with him when the nausea was still troubling him.

Dean was now crying hard, when he felt his stomach cramp. This was new. Pamela had told him that he will feel nauseous, but nothing about stomach cramps. He doubled over in pain when a nasty cramp hit him. A few minutes later he found his bottom getting wet. He sat up, somehow, still in pain and looked down. To his horror he found that he was bleeding. Great, now his baby was also leaving him. The last piece of Sam that was left with him; to remember him by. And now it was rejecting him too. This was just plain cruel. Everyone seemed to leave him. Everyone he loved dearly. It was like he was cursed or something to live the rest of his life alone, lonely and longing for love. Longing to belong, to feel loved, to feel wanted, needed, and to feel safe again. He wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all. He was truly unwanted, unneeded, and unloved. He started laughing hysterically. The pain didn’t go away. He was losing his baby, he was sure of it. How pathetic he was for even a baby, who he had yet to meet, to reject him. The pain increased, his body was wracked with cramps, and all he could do was pray that he didn’t lose too much blood. He slowly made his way towards the kitchen where he could call someone. He stood up on wobbly legs and reached the phone when it rang, he picked it up but the pain was too much to handle and his legs gave away as he screamed in agony, tears of hopelessness running down his cheeks. He couldn’t even keep the baby safe! Sam was right. He wasn’t enough.

Dean didn’t know how long he was lying on the floor, screaming in pain, when his world started going faint. He heard someone bursting through the door. For a second there, he thought Sam was back but then the gruff voice reached his ears and he heard Bobby calling his name. It didn’t matter though. Nothing mattered. It was done. He had lost Sam and he had lost the baby. He was pathetic and unwanted. He lost his battle to unconsciousness and the last thing he said was a pathetic cry of sorry, still clutching at his belly where his baby would have been growing.

“Dean, come on, boy. Don’t make me call the hospital now,” Bobby’s gruff voice said and he slowly opened his eyes. His mouth was dry and he was sweaty. A glass was placed near his lips and he greedily drank from it. He heard little baby noises in the distance and he looked around to find a baby rolling around in the playpen. Bobby rushed to help him when he tried and failed at getting up. Bobby helped him sit on the couch and he remembered he was in his living room because he had fainted. He fainted because he saw Sam and Noah. His head started spinning again. He closed his eyes. It had to be a dream, but the sounds of a baby didn’t go away. Neither did the baby, or the playpen when he opened his eyes. He looked at the baby for a very long time and then he heard the voice.

“Hey, Dean.” The same honey sweet voice that he took with himself to sleep every night. The same sweet voice that had haunted him for months.

“Dean, are you alright?” the same voice that was nestled in Dean’s heart. Sam. It belonged to his Sammy.

“Dean, are you okay?” He heard the voice call his name. He looked up to find Sam watching him with concern. He had so many things to say to the man, so many questions to ask. Instead he just nodded dumbly and stared at the man for the longest time. 

Dean continued to stare at Sam, taking in all the ways Sam had changed. His little brother was all grown up. He was an independent man with a good job and a nice pay scale, a house, and a girlfriend. Sammy looked handsome to him; just the same as he always had. His hair had grown long though. And Dean wanted to run his fingers through it, betting it was just as silky smooth as before. Just as he was staring at Sam, another sound caught his attention and he could feel his eyes begin to sting from unshed tears; there were some gurgles and some coos. It affected Dean more than he could put it into words. He closed his eyes and reveled in the closeness of those sounds.

Noah. Noah Samuel Winchester. Dean’s son, whom he had abandoned, was here, within Dean’s reach. It was his son whom he had carried for nine whole months. It was his son whom he had loved more than anything. His son, who he never thought he would ever see again. He slowly opened his eyes and looked around the room, seeing Noah playing in a playpen that had been set up in the far corner of the room. He was merrily chattering away at the stuffed rabbit. It was his favorite toy. A choked laugh erupted from Dean’s throat as he took in the scene. His baby always did like to chatter away in his baby talk. At times, he had watched Noah cooing to the TV while watching cartoons or at the fan while watching it circulate. It didn’t matter if the stuff talked back to his son, it was enough for Noah to have some kind of interaction. He was going to grow chatty, just like Dean.

“Can I…Can I hold him?” Dean managed to ask as he slowly stood up, finding his balance, voice wrecked. Hell, he was surprised he had managed to talk at all. He waited in anticipation for Sam’s approval to approach Noah.. After all, he had left Noah in Sam’s care. To Dean, Sam was in charge of Noah and he’d be damned before he did anything to Noah. He was convinced he had no right to Noah whatsoever.

“Of course Dean, you never have to ask for my permission. He’s your son too.” Sam softly reminded him.

Dean was overwhelmed with joy. He merely nodded his thanks at Sam and slowly approached the baby.

He heard Bobby’s voice in the background, “We should … you know, leave. Give him some time. How about a cup of coffee?” Bobby waved at Ellen and Jo. The three of them moved out of the house. Sam just stood there for a minute, unwilling to leave. But he knew Dean needed some time with Noah, so he followed the others and got out of the house within seconds.

Dean didn’t care if anyone was with him or not. All his focus was on his son who was playing in the playpen. He sat down, legs crossed and observed his son. He was dressed in a blue onesie and his baby blue blanket was lying forgotten a foot away. He was still the singularly most beautiful baby Dean had ever seen. Because it was his baby. His and Sam’s. He tried to keep his tears in check but he knew the dam was going to break soon. He picked up his son and hoped like Hell that the days he spent away hadn’t made Noah forget Dean. To his surprise Noah frowned at him and, eyes wide, nose scrunched up, and his right fist clenched, he hit Dean hard on the nose.

It was as if Noah was angry with him.

“Oh baby, I’m so sorry,” Dean whispered to his son, bringing him close to his chest and kissing those chubby cheeks, as he shed more tears. “I’m so sorry I left.”

Noah couldn’t talk yet, but he sure could express himself. Just as he pressed his son to the crook of his neck, his baby started wailing, kicking his legs and waving his arms at Dean, as if he was scolding his father.

“Papa is sorry, baby. So sorry.” Dean tried helplessly as he watched his baby crying, those sweet cheeks getting redder by the minute. “Shh…calm down baby. It’s okay. I’m here again.” He couldn’t help but smile at his baby, trying to reassure himself and his son that he was there with him. Something Dean thought he would never be able to do again.

He saw no signs of his son calming down and he knew one trick that would always work. He started singing.

“ _ Hush Little Baby, don’t say a word _

_ Papa’s gonna buy you a mockingbird. _

_ If that mockingbird don’t sing, _

_ Papa’s gonna buy you a diamond ring.” _

It seemed to do the trick as Noah calmed down immediately at hearing the familiar song. His big, hazel eyes were looking at Dean and his cries had now died down to sniffling. Dean smiled, even as he felt another tear rolling down his cheek. He quickly wiped it away and took his son to the nursery where Dean had spent countless hours, sitting in the rocking chair with one of the toys clutched to his chest, imagining how his child would look while sleeping in the crib that Bobby had gifted him. He made his way to the room, grabbing the baby bag and softly singing the song.

“Hey little man. I’m so happy to see you,” Dean cooed at his son and made a kissy face which made Noah smile. Dean’s heart soared at the sight. “I don’t know what your Daddy has planned, but I know our time is limited.” It made his heart hurt, it physically ached to acknowledge the fact that he was going to be with his son for only short time . “But I’m gonna make the most of it,” Dean declared as he placed the bag down and sat in his chair with his son.

“Remember when I brought you home, Noah?” Noah was looking at Dean, arms waving and legs now kicking in excitement. “Yeah, you cried, you know, and didn’t sleep the whole night. So, Papa had to stay awake with you.”

Dean remembered the night very well. It was one of his fondest memories.

_ Dean was on alert already, even before the cries made their way through the baby monitor. He had been discharged from the hospital and his sweet baby had slept through the day. Only waking up to be changed, fed and burped and then promptly going back to sleep. Dean had a hunch that this much sleep meant the night was going to be a very long one. _

_ “Noah, baby, it’s okay. Shh… Papa is here baby, don’t cry,” Dean told his son as he entered the nursery and picked up his baby from the crib. Dean checked Noah’s diaper but it was dry. He bounced his son in an effort to calm him down. It didn’t work. _

_ “What’s the matter, Noah. Is my little guy hungry?” He sat down in the rocking chair near the window and opened his shirt, helping Noah to latch onto his nipple.  _

_ Not all carriers had the opportunity to breastfeed their babies. And Dean knew he was one of the fortunate ones who could do that. When he fed his son for the first time, his son had latched on like a pro. So, when Noah refused to be fed, Dean had been worried. _

_ “You’re not wet, you’re not hungry, so why are you crying buddy?” Dean then brought his son close to his chest, and softly started singing to him.  _

_ “…If that diamond ring turns to brass, _

_ Papa’s gonna buy you a looking glass. _

_ If that looking glass gets broke, _

_ Papa’s gonna buy you a billy goat…” _

_ Dean watched in fascination as his little prince calmed down, but didn’t go back to sleep. “So, you’re gonna be one of those huh? You’re only three days old and you’ve already thrown your first tantrum. I knew sleeping the whole day was bad for you.” He kissed the warm forehead and smiled at his baby. _

_ “You’re gonna be trouble huh? Just like your daddy? He stayed up all night too. At times, my Mom had to stay awake with him, to play. Because he didn’t wanna sleep. You’re gonna be like that, huh, little fella?” In reply his son only made some gurgling sounds that made Dean smile, “Okay, buddy. Let’s get you to my room then, my little prince.” _

_ Dean picked up a few stuffed toys and took his son to his room and placed him on the bed, arranging some pillows around his little parcel and lay down beside him. He watched as his son waved his hands and legs excitedly as he watched the ceiling fan circulate. It took some time for Dean to understand why his son was so excited. He couldn’t help but burst out in laughter when he saw what had caught Noah’s interest. _

_ “You’re a weirdo,” Dean murmured softly ‘Just like your daddy’, he thought to himself and spent his whole night chatting and playing with his son. _

Little cooing noises had Dean snap out of the memories. He chuckled as he stared at his blue bundle. 

“Guess, you grew out of that habit though. It’s been so long since I held you close to my heart, buddy. I’ve missed you so much, my little prince.”

Noah made another sound as if to convey the sentiments back. Dean smiled. His son was so tiny and yet receptive of his moods.

“You wanna spend some “Us” time with me, little fella?”

Noah made another gurgling sound.

“I’ll take it as a yes then. Let's go to my room.”

Dean left the nursery, not before bending down and looking for a bottle of formula to feed Noah, and went to his room. He arranged the pillows and lay Noah down on the bed. The baby was happily chattering away with his father. “Oh yeah? And then what happened?” Dean asked Noah , indulging his son who seemed to be happy and content to be near his father again.

Dean played with his son for a few minutes and then picked him up, safely nestling him in his arms, ready to feed him the formula. He watched lovingly as his son sucked on the bottle as if he was starving. “Wow, did Daddy starve you, huh, buddy? Look at you go. Guess you were really hungry huh?”

In reply, Noah managed to somehow suckle faster on the bottle. Dean chuckled.

“Oh baby, slow down. The bottle’s not going anywhere.”

Soon, the bottle was finished, and Noah was contently sleeping in Dean’s arms. Dean was sitting on the bed, back leaning against the headboard, with Noah’s fingers clutching his shirt. Noah was snoring softly, already miles away in his little wonderland. Dean softly glided his finger over one of those chubby cheeks and whispered, “I love you so much baby. I know your daddy takes good care of you. And I love him for that. I love him so much, always will. And I always wished that whenever you’d come into our lives, it’ll be full of love and laughter. Me, you and your Daddy . And maybe we’d give you some siblings. That was all I ever wanted, you know. But then I wasn’t enough. Not for your Daddy and not for you either.” A dry chuckle escaped his lips, “I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you with me , baby. I wish I could do that. But my decision, good or bad, was only meant to give you a good life. And your Daddy is capable of giving you that good life. I just wish it was me, Noah. Gosh, I wish so much that it was me who could give you the life that you deserve, the one that Sam can give you.”

Pausing for a moment, Dean looked down at Noah, a sad smile on his face. “Unfortunately, I can’t. I don’t want you to be the failure that I am, Noah. The one that cannot keep anything with him. I once almost lost you because of my stupidity. I can’t do that again. So, you gotta be a good boy and stay with Daddy, okay? Don’t trouble him much and I know it’s silly of me even to ask but,” he breathed wetly, chest tight and throat dry, “But remember me, okay? I know you won’t, but try to. Okay ? Remember that I loved you enough to let you go, so you can have a wonderful life and a father who would die for you. If nothing else, I hope you remember me as someone who brought you into this world and kept you safe so you could have the life you deserve. Remember me as someone who birthed you; as someone who kept you safe for nine months. That’s all I can ask. Because you’ll always have a place in my heart. Always, Noah.” He kissed his son’s warm forehead and slowly slid off the bed, laying down himself with the baby safely tucked on his chest and fell asleep to the scent of baby powder and formula and Noah’s soft baby snores.

Unbeknownst to him, his little speech had been heard by Sam.

+++++++++++++++++++++


	6. Chapter Six

Sam had returned after having a cup of coffee with Bobby, Ellen, and Jo. And boy had he been given an earful. Especially from Ellen. She had always been a mother figure to him and Dean. His absence must have pushed her closer to Dean because his ears were still ringing from the verbal attack she had unleashed. They had been quietly sipping coffee when she thundered, “What the  _ fuck _ are you doing here, you bastard?”

Sam was shocked to say the least, “What?”

“You left. YOU LEFT. Left when he was pregnant! Without much explanation, saying he wasn’t enough. And now you are suddenly back. Why? To hurt him? He left his own child with you! What else does he have that you’ve come to take from him? I won’t let you do that to him, you son of a bitch. I won’t!”

“Woah…woah…calm down, Ellen. You don’t know anything about us.” Sam tried to placate, taken aback because of her sudden outrage. He’d never seen her this worked up. Not even when they were handling the worst of cases.

“Don’t you dare tell me what I know. I know enough. Enough to say that Dean loved you with all his heart and soul. Enough to leave his baby with you forever. Do you know how tough that is? To leave your own flesh and blood, one that you carried for nine months and built a life around, with someone who said, you’re not enough! You weren’t here to pick up the pieces, you moron. We were. And I refuse to let you hurt him anymore. For once, Sam Winchester, you have done ENOUGH!”

Sam erupted at that. It was unfair for all of them to blame him when they didn’t understand his reasons for leaving. “This is just great. You think it’s all my fault. Have you ever thought of what it did to me to leave Dean behind? To leave the only person who I ever loved? And it all happened because Dean didn’t tell me. He didn’t tell me he was pregnant. I never knew he was carrying my child! You think I would have left him behind like that, had I known he was pregnant with my child? I would have either stayed or taken him with me. And I’m not here to hurt Dean. I’m here to talk to him. To get an explanation. I had a right to know about my child, Ellen. I am Noah’s father, no matter how much you all hate me.”

“Yeah, an absent father,” Jo snarked.

“Yeah, and who’s fault is that?” Sam yelled back.

“You didn’t give him any choice.” 

Bobby’s gruff voice drew his attention. Sam looked at him for a few seconds hoping to get some elaboration. 

“It’s not my place to judge you two or tell you the things that are now in the past. But one thing that I know is that you didn’t give that boy a chance. You just packed up, told him your decision, and went on with your life. While that boy was fighting for his and his baby’s life!” Bobby shouted at him.

Chills ran down his spine at hearing the last words from Bobby’s tirade, leaving him out of breath. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know what transpired between you two. He only ever told Ellen. But the next day I heard him screaming and when I reached him, he was lying in a pool of blood, calling out for you. He had to be hospitalized. It was bad. And we almost…” Sam didn’t let him finish though.

“No. He’s here, he’s fine. So is Noah. They’re both fine. They’re fine, right?” The mere thought of something happening to Dean or Noah was disturbing to him, that something so dreadfu had happened that he could have almost lost Dean and Noah and he wouldn’t have known _.  _ It would have been his fault. Although Noah had been in his life for a very short period of time, Sam already couldn’t imagine his life without him. There were too many emotions slamming into him and he couldn’t function, couldn’t understand what those feelings were. He was having a hard time breathing .

Bobby sighed, “They’re alright now. But back then…it was all scary. Dean was put on bedrest for almost all of his pregnancy. It’s partly why…” Bobby paused to take a deep breath, uneasy with saying anything more. “It’s really not my place to tell you these things. You need to talk to Dean.”

“No, he’s not talking to Dean.” Jo interrupted.

“That’s enough. I’m here to talk to him and I damn well intend to do that. Especially now.” Sam gritted his teeth, slammed the coffee cup down, and left, heading towards Dean's house.

Sam entered the house and nearly panicked at not seeing Dean or Noah in the living room where he had left them. But he heard soft whispers coming from upstairs and he took the stairs two steps at a time. He was surprised to find Dean and Noah in what used to be his and Dean’s bedroom, Dean holding their son. The sight was so sweet and it filled Sam’s heart with warmth. He observed the way Dean held Noah. He was not surprised to see Dean was a natural. The ease with which he handled Noah made Sam smile. He was lost in his thoughts when he heard Dean whispering and that was when he broke a little. To know what Dean’s intentions were behind leaving Noah with him, sent him down the path of guilt. Guilt of not being there when Dean needed him the most. But it vanished just as quickly as it came when he thought about how Dean had kept the news of his pregnancy from him.

That was why Sam was in a fix. He hated Dean for what he had done, but he also felt guilty. After listening to Dean’s little speech, he wasn’t sure he was entirely justified in his anger. He watched as Dean lay down, with Noah tucked safely in his arms, they both fell asleep. Sam didn’t move, didn’t speak, doing his best to keep his presence a secret from Dean. Now though, he was left to ponder. That little speech went straight to Sam’s heart. He wasn’t sure excatly how he felt about the fact that Dean still loved him. The most glaring realization that Sam had found so far was that this Dean was not the same man Sam once knew. That Dean had been a typical alpha male, self-sufficient, bright, loud, sassy, and stubborn. This Dean though, was broken and Sam didn’t know how to deal with that.

Growing up all his life, Dean had been the strong one, weathering storms, looking after him, and being his rock. Now though, it was like he didn’t even recognize this man. This vulnerable, broken, yet still beautiful man. How was he supposed to handle this Dean, who ad completely lost himself and his purpose? Sam really didn’t know what came next. 

About twenty minutes later Dean came strolling downstairs with a baby monitor in his hand, when he saw everyone gathered in the living room; the atmosphere tense. 

“Umm…Noah is sleeping in his nursery. I gave him his bottle and then he went down for a nap. Guess the whole travelling thing was too much for him, huh?” Dean chuckled, trying to lighten up.

Surprisingly it was Ellen who spoke first, “Dean, I’d like to take Noah with me to Bobby’s.”

“What…why?” a clearly panicked Dean asked. “He’s perfectly fine and safe in the nursery. You know I kept it clean and there’s nothing that can happen…”

Ellen immediately stepped towards Dean and placed a hand on his shoulder, trying to calm a very panicked father down. “I’m not taking him permanently Dean. I’m just going to take him next door for a bit. I gather he wouldn’t wanna be a witness to his parents arguing.” She gave Sam a very pointed glare. “Look, I don’t know what exactly Sam is here for, but it would be safer to take Noah someplace where he could have a nap without having to hear raised voices. And I don’t expect you two will be having a "normal" conversation.” 

“B-but…”

Ellen interrupted Dean, not giving him a chance to argue any further, “Not an option, Kiddo . There’s definitely going to be some yelling and some cursing. I know you boys. And if you manage to survive this match, we’ll be right next door. Okay?”

That seemed to have calmed Dean down. “Okay” he agreed grudgingly, shooting a look at Sam. He was bewildered as to what exactly Sam wanted from him, but he could take a guess since already take a hint considering Sam had not stopped staring at him intently, like he was preparing for a big fight. 

“It’s settled then. Jo, go get Noah and don’t forget that stuffed rabbit of his. We don’t want him waking up without it.” Ellen smirked, knowing well that the toy was like a security blanket for the little boy. Ellen recalled, Dean had been gone most of the day, working his ass off so he could provide for them both, while Jo and her friend babysat Noah. The stuffed rabbit became a favorite as it held the scent of his father. The rabbit smelled particularly unique, Dean’s scent lingering on it. That way Noah was lulled by the security that his father was there with him. But even Ellen couldn’t deny that Noah was particularly clingy once Dean came back. It was maybe because he didn’t get to be with his father as often as the newborn needed. It was one of the reasons why if Dean was particularly late someday, Noah would throw a massive fit of rage and Dean would be the only person who could calm him down. Now that Noah had spent almost a week away from his father, Ellen was a little apprehensive as to how this whole thing might pan out. She had an inkling that now that Noah had once again been near his father, he would not be a happy kid once he woke. Especially if these two idiots had their chat with Noah in the nursery. Noah would definitely wake up and these two would never be able to sort out their issues. It was partly why she suggested taking Noah with her. And partly because she could foresee Noah throwing a fit when he woke up, it was the reason why she asked Jo to take the stuffed toy with them. Just in case. 

Once Jo brought Noah down, Sam and Dean took turns, kissing their sleepy baby goodbye. The emotions rolling off of the new fathers was too strong, as if they were sending their child away for college. Ellen mentally cursed the stupidity of these two grown-ass men. How could they not see how perfectly they fit? It was beyond her. She just hoped that whatever was the matter, they would be able to resolve it. If not for them, then at least for Noah’s sake. He deserved a home full of love and protection. 

“You gonna be okay?” Ellen asked Dean, just as Jo and Bobby left the house with Noah curled up in Jo’s arms..

“I think so. I mean, it's just Sam,” Dean shrugged, sounding more confident than he felt. “I’ll be okay, I guess.” 

“If you need anything, and I mean  _ anything _ , I’m right next door. Don’t hesitate to call, okay?” Ellen said, loud enough for Sam to take the warning for what it was. 

Dean just nodded and watched as Ellen left and he braced himself for the shit storm that was about to hit him in the form of Sam’s anger. 

They both stood still in the living room, staring, as if measuring up the other. Their body language was tense. They both eyed each other examining the slight changes in appearance since they’d been apart. To Dean, Sam looked wonderful, just as he always had. To Sam, Dean looked vulnerable, weak, and broken, something he never ever imagined the man would become. 

“Dean.”

“Sam.”

They both spoke at the same time and laughed a bit. Their laughter didn’t sound humorous, it was more tense than anything else, and Dean could feel Sam’s anger rolling off of Sam in waves, directed at him. Sam was the one who broke the ice first. 

“So, when were you gonna tell me about the baby?”

Dean was expecting it, yet he flinched at Sam’s words and at Sam’s angry tone. “I-It wasn't like I planned on keeping it a secret. I just wasn’t sure if you’d stay, even if I had told you.”

“What do you mean? You think I would be an asshole of a father who would leave his son behind for his job? What the hell Dean? You think I’m that shallow?” Sam’s voice rose  up as he spoke and he was breathing fast, chest heaving with anger. “You think I would have abandoned my baby? Is that what you think of me?”

“No…NO. Okay, no,” Dean placated. “I knew you’d stay. I knew you’d stay. But at what cost? You’d have stayed because of the baby. You would have continued to live with me because of our child. But you’d never be happy with us. You’d have had to settle. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to force you to stay with us…besides…”

“Besides what? Whatever your reasons might be, you had no right to keep my baby from me. You understand? I am his father! How could you keep the knowledge of my own son a secret from me Dean? My son!” 

“Because you didn’t want me!” Dean shouted. Every word spilling from Sam’s mouth was like an arrow piercing Dean's heart. He watched as Sam went silent, stunned at Dean’s confession. He took a deep breath as he continued, trying to calm himself down “You didn’t want us, Sam, me and you.” 

“So…so what? Just because I didn’t want you, you decided to keep the existence of my baby from me? Is that it? How selfish can you get?”

“It’s not like that, Sam . ,” Dean pleaded with Sam to understand him, “You never gave me a chance to say anything, remember! Hell, I was ready to tell you about him. I had just found out that afternoon that I was having a baby, OUR baby! It was why I bought the cake and ice cream so that we could celebrate. But before I could say anything, you decided to screw me over. And I tried to ask you why. Tried to understand what was wrong. Remember what you said, Sammy? Remember?” Dean asked, mockingly, “You said, I wasn’t enough! So, if I wasn’t enough, how could our baby be? You were already suffocated enough in this small town, stuck with your brother, having an illicit affair with your own brother! And you wanted something normal. I knew what we had wasn’t normal. So how could the baby be? Can you honestly tell me we would have been happy? NO! You would have ended up resenting me for forcing you to stay. Would we have worked, Sam, huh? Tell me,” Dean demanded, as tears freely made their way down his cheeks. 

Sam had no reply to that. 

“That’s what I thought. So, I let you go, so that you could live your life. A fancy job in the big city, a house, and a girl…the whole nine yards. Just like you wanted. And every day that went by…” Dean struggled to gather his thoughts. He didn’t want to let Sam know just how vulnerable he was. What a mess he had been. He struggled to get his emotions under control. “I always wanted to tell you about Noah. But everytime I made the effort, I always thought of how pissed you’d be at me … at our baby. I can take the heat of your anger, even your hate, but I couldn’t risk Noah being the target of your hatred. I was saving us all. I was trying to keep my family happy for once!” He gave a humorless chuckle, “Doesn’t matter that I ended up doing exactly the opposite of that.” 

There was long moment of silence as Dean wiped away his tears and tried to control his breathing. Sam just kept staring at Dean, trying to process everything.

Finally, after a long pause, Sam spoke up, “You said, I’d have despised Noah if I came to know about his existence. Then why the Hell did you leave him at my door? If you were so sure that I’d be a shitty father, why leave Noah with me?” , he asked, gritting his teeth.

This was Dean’s breaking point. He knew Sam would be bitter towards him, but he never expected his brother to be downright judgmental about him. “That’s not…It’s not what I said…” Dean responded, his voice heavy with emotions, tears shining in his eyes.

“Then how is it, Dean?” Now Sam was emotional. To know that your own brother didn’t trust you was a blow to his heart.

“It’s… had I not trusted you, Sammy, I would have never left Noah with you. I trust you Sammy. I trust you with Noah’s life. After you left, things didn’t…” Once again, emotions got the better of him as Dean remembered the fear of losing Noah and how hard his pregnancy had been. The bed rest, complications, and long labor and after Noah’s birth it had been Hell .  With all the stress he was dealing with, being on his own, pregnant, and his health issues, Dean had been forced to close his garage in order to focus on what really mattered to him, his unborn child. From trying to find another job, to keeping a roof over their heads, to deciding on leaving his son with Sam, had been hard for him. “It was hard to juggle everything. I couldn’t be a father to Noah. I was a good for nothing. I had initially planned to raise him on my own and someday when he was older, to contact you and let you know you had a son. But all my plans went down the drain when the doctor put me on bed rest. I wasn’t allowed to work. So the whole pregnancy was complicated. But we survived. However, after Noah was born, I couldn’t do it. I was on my own. I didn’t have enough money to raise him. I tried my best but … all I could give Noah was a crappy life. I didn’t want that for him. So, I tracked you down and when I found out you had a girlfriend, I finally decided it was time for you to take our son. I knew you’d love him and would provide for him, give him all the things I never could. That’s why I left him with you.”

Sam knew Dean was dodging, avoiding speaking about the medical scare. This wasn’t the time for that though. This person standing in front of him wasn’t the same older brother he knew. The man standing before him was a shell of his former self, Dean was broken.. “And you never thought I’d seek answers?”

Dean huffed, “Of course I did. But I hoped it’d be in a phone call. I never thought you’d come back.”

This time, they both stood looking at each other, their eyes speaking of understanding, unlike the rage and intimidation from moments before. There was no judgment this time. A few more minutes went by in silence until Dean spoke again.

“Why are you back, Sammy?”

“That’s a good question.” This time Sam chuckled, and then cleared his throat, “I have a proposition for you.”

“What kind of proposition?” Dean asked cautiously. 

“I want you to come with me…” He saw a protest building within Dean and he nipped it in the bud, “No, hear me out first. I observed something. Our son doesn’t seem to like the idea of being away from his father.”

A hopeful smile graced Dean’s face, “Did he cry for me?”

It was odd to see Dean smile at the prospect of Noah crying. “Threw a tantrum actually. Why is it a good thing?” Sam asked, amused.

A wet laugh escaped Dean, “H—he does that. Whenever I’m away from him longer than necessary, he throws a fit. T-that rabbit always calms him though. Didn’t you give him that toy? I intentionally left that behind so…so if he cried, you could give him the toy and he would calm down.”

Sam watched as Dean’s eyes filled with tears. He partly expected that answer, but he wanted to hear it out loud from Dean. “That means he needs you.”

“Yeah,” Dean sighed sadly, “but he’ll forget me soon…” He gulped around the lump that formed in his throat, his breath hitched as he tried to stop the panic building inside of him at the idea of his baby never remembering him. 

“That’s what the problem is. I don’t want him to forget you. I want him to remember you. I want him to experience your love. I want him to grow with you in his life.”

“Whaa…what?” Dean gulped, trying to clear away the dryness in his throat. He didn’t understand what Sam was trying to say.

“I want you to come with me, stay with us, and be Noah’s Papa. You can stay with us as long as you want. Dean, we’ve experienced what a life without parents means. I don’t want my son to go through the same thing. I want him to be surrounded with the love of his parents. He should have Daddy and Papa, both in his life. That’s why I’m here. To take you with me. So that you can be with Noah, always,” Sam looked at his brother, hopeful.

Dean‘s head was spinning. Sam was offering him a chance to stay with Noah! That would mean he’d be essentially staying with Sam. Did that mean Sam was willing to…

But before that thought could even form in his mind, Sam spoke again, and this time he looked uncomfortable, “There’s no us, though. I already have a girlfriend. And I don’t want…” 

“Me,” Dean finished his sentence. 

Sam had been watching Dean intently for any emotional outburst that Sam knew Dean would throw at him. His brother could be one stubborn bastard, but he also had immense self-respect. He’d die before he’d accept help. So, when instead of a fight, Sam saw hope building in Dean’s eyes, he had to stop those thoughts right there and then. Because right now he wasn’t capable of offering anything other than being a co-parent to their son, Noah.

“So, I’d be like a nanny to your son, huh?” Dean asked bitterly.

“No, Dean, that’s not…”

“Then what exactly is it? You trying to be my sugar daddy, Sammy? Is that it? I don’t want your pity!”

“Dean, I’m not pitying you! This is not about you! Damn it, when are you going to understand that not everything I do revolves around you? I’m doing this for Noah. So that he grows up around his parents. I don’t want him to grow up like we did. I'm doing us all a favor. Besides, you can move out as soon as you find yourself a job and somewhere to live. Then you can still visit Noah. And I know you’ll say we can do that with you living here. That’d be too stressful though. We would have to arrange weekly visits and …it’s all a mess. I want you in the city, nearby. So you can be around Noah, anytime you want, anytime he wants.”

Sam sensed that Dean was still not convinced. “Okay, here’s the deal. Why don’t you come stay with us for three months. On a trial basis. Let’s see how it works out and then we can come up with some sort of more permanent arrangement. What do you say?”

Dean looked at his brother and considered the offer. It was tempting. But he couldn’t just say yes. He had a life here. Going with Sam would mean uprooting his life, his normal life, from this town and going into the unknown city. But it would also mean he’d get to see his son, hold him, and love him. It would also mean living with Sam, watching him with his girlfriend every day. It’d be very hard. Was he ready to open himself up for so much heartbreak again? 

“I’ll…I’ll think about it. No promises though…” Dean eventually replied. It was the only thing he was capable of offering right now. 

“Cool. Take your time. I’m here in town till tomorrow. I’ll wait for your answer.” Saying that, Sam turned and walked out the door. Dean collapsed on his couch, stunned, as his brother had managed to topple his world upside down in a matter of minutes. Again.

++++++++++++++++++++++++


	7. Chapter Seven

Dean was still trying to process things when Ellen came rushing to his side. 

‘Dean, what happened? What did he say now?” Ellen was worried as she took in Dean’s hunched form.The minute Sam had left she was running towards Dean. She’d been keeping an eye on the house for any sign of disturbance. Once she saw Sam leaving, she was on her way to Dean, ready to pick up the pieces. 

It took awhile for Dean to come back to his senses, “He asked me to come with him. To live with him for a while. See how things go. He wants Noah to be with both his parents.”

“The nerve of that bastard. He practically wants you to move in with him?” Ellen spat out.

“No, no. It’s not like that." Ellen moved over to the couch and sat beside Dean. "It’s… he has a girlfriend. And he made it clear that there will be no…us. There’s never going to be an ‘us’.” Dean choked up as he repeated Sam’s offer to Ellen, and by the end of it he was sobbing as Ellen embraced him tightly. “Shh…It’s okay, Dean. It’s going to be okay.”

“Why can't he love me, Ellen? Why can’t I be enough for him?” Dean asked her, sounding broken and sad as he sobbed, his tears wetting her shoulder.

“Hey, no, Dean. You’re enough. I don’t know why he thinks that, or what he’s thinking. But you’re enough. You brought your son into this world when the doctors had clearly warned about how low were the chances of his survival. Not only did you carry him, but you delivered him safely into this world. He’s so healthy, isn’t he? And he loves you. When he woke up, he was crying just as usual. He was missing you Dean. He loves you.”

Dean slowly straightened up and looked at hopefully Ellen. He looked like a little kid begging for assurance that whatever he was hearing was true and not a figment of his imagination.

“Yes, really. That kid loves you so much. You’re his Papa!” Ellen said, trying to cheer Dean up. 

A wet laugh escaped Dean and he took the tissue that Ellen offered to wipe away his tears. “I’m his Papa.” 

“Yes, kiddo. You are,” Ellen stated. 

“Ellen, I don’t know what to do,” Dean admitted.

“You’ll figure it out, Dean. You’ll figure it out,” Ellen said, slowly rubbing Dean’s back as he sat there thinking. 

That night, after dinner, Dean was back in his bedroom with Noah in his arms. Sam was living with Bobby as Ellen had suggested and Ellen and Jo had appointed themselves as Dean’s guardians. They gave Sam the cold treatment which Dean didn’t like and he even told them as a matter of fact, but they simply asked him to suck it up as they weren’t letting Sam off the hook so easily. So, here he was in his bedroom with Noah. The little guy was once again giggling as Dean made funny faces. 

“Oh you little weirdo. You love funny faces, don’t you? Aren’t you the sweetest little thing Noah.” 

Dean kissed his son’s chubby cheeks and wiggled his fingers as he imitated being a monster, “I’m gonna getcha…I’m gonna getcha.”

Noah made a loud noise at that and kept giggling at his papa’s antics. The game went on until Noah’s eyes started drooping a bit. 

“Come on little fella, it’s bath time.” Dean picked up his son, and enjoyed their time together. Once Noah was bathed, Dean started singing the lullaby and within minutes Noah was asleep.

As he lay in his bed with Noah, his mind went over Sm’s offer. For a week Dean had lived without his baby. It was his real-life Hell . Every breath hurt and every sigh twisted his chest a little more. There were times when Dean had spent the entire night sitting by the small crib, crying his heart out, with one of Noah’s blankets clutched to his chest. 

As he watched his baby sleep peacefully tonight, next to him, he thought he wasn’t capable of going through this again. He’d done it the first time and he’d barely survived. But this time, he didn’t think he had it in him to let Noah go. Why was fate so cruel to him? Why couldn’t he keep those he loved around him? Everyone always left. Except, his baby had stayed with him. He had made the choice to give him up. And he regretted every single minute of it. 

That night, Dean decided, no matter how many struggles he would have to endure, he would take Sam up on his offer. If it meant he’d get to hold his son and love him with all his heart, then he was definitely doing it.

The next morning saw everyone gathered around the table for breakfast. Ellen and Jo as usual had made the best breakfast spread with bacon, sausage, pancakes with maple syrup, toast, and fruit jams. There were even some freshly cut fruits. Once he made sure Noah was fed, Dean was happily munching on his breakfast when he felt eyes on him. He looked up and caught his brother staring at him before Sam ducked his head, looking flushed at being caught. Dean smiled.

Once everyone was done and having coffee, Dean cleared his throat and spoke, “Uhm, Sam, I’ve decided to come with you. I’ll stay with you for a few days and see how this works out.” 

Sam was so happy to see the sparkle back in his brother’s eyes that he couldn’t help but smile widely. “Really? That’s awesome, Dean. Thanks.” 

“Dean, are you sure?” Bobby asked, worried.

“Yeah, are you absolutely sure this is what you want Dean?” Ellen asked pointedly, as if making sure he knew what he was getting into. 

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Dean said confidently, still looking at Sam and those brilliant dimples of his. That smile filled Dean’s days with bright rays of sunshine.

“Dean, you can’t do that. Are you out of your mind?” Jo said, raising her voice. 

Noah startled and immediately started fussing in Dean’s lap. “It’s okay, baby. Shh…”

Dean slowly stroked Noah’s back as he sharply told Joe, “It’s my decision, Jo. And if it’s in Noah’s best interest then I sure as Hell will do it. You can’t dictate all my actions.”

Jo looked flushed and guilty, “I didn’t mean…”

“I know. But let me be the judge of that. As much as I hate this, I have Noah to think about. And I appreciate you looking after me, Jo but I think I’m capable of looking after myself.” 

After that conversation some tension eased off, but Ellen kept shooting him these glances which made it absolutely clear to him that she concurred with Jo. Which meant, Dean was getting himself into a probable disaster that even he wasn’t sure how it would end. 

The next two hours went by with Dean packing. The whole time, Noah refused to be held by anyone but Dean. And Dean knew the feeling. So, he indulged his son’s clinginess, absolutely happy with the fact that he was going to get to do this every day from now on. They bid their goodbyes and by noon, Sam, Dean, and Noah were off, heading back towards the city. 

The whole trip back was tense, neither of them speaking, except for Noah cooing and babbling, and Dean talking to his son. To Dean, he was so happy to be with his son, even if it meant never getting his brother back again. Sammy had already said that there would never be a “Them” again. There was Dean and there was Sam. They’d never be together,  _ ever _ again. Dean knew what he was signing up for. It’d be hard, but he’d be damned if he let Sam know his feelings. He’d already started building walls around him, too high for anyone to climb. He’d been burned before. He wasn’t stupid enough to let it happen to him again. That’s why he didn’t look at Sam even once, as he kept steady conversation with his son.

When they reached Sam’s residence, Dean was so proud of his brother! In a matter of a year and a half, Sam had managed to buy a house of his own. A small one, but a house nonetheless. As Sam unloaded their luggage in the house, Dean picked Noah up from his seat and held him close to his chest as he scanned the house. He’d been here before, but he didn’t exactly have the time to observe it. He was too busy saying goodbye to his son. He looked around and took in the feel of it. The house was welcoming. It didn’t exactly have the same feel as his home back in town, but he was happy that Sam had enough space for their son to grow . Dean was taking in everything, a small smile gracing his lips, just as Jessica came down the stairs.

“Well, there you are,” Jess immediately went to Sam and kissed him, of course putting on a show in front of Dean. She’d been observing the two from the window upstairs , when they had arrived. And from the looks that were exchanged between the two, it was clear there was some unresolved tension. She didn’t like the way Dean looked at Sam though, there was longing in those green eyes as they took in the sight of Jess kissing Sam. She was delighted when Dean turned his back to them , to give them space. She had to make sure that the message was delivered. Sam was out of reach.

Sam felt a little awkward when he suddenly had an armful of Jess, smothering him with kisses in front of his brother, with whom he had a baby. Well, that was one fucked up situation he had stepped into. Unlike other times, when Sam wouldn’t have hesitated to take Jess directly to the bed, this time he didn’t feel the urge to do that. His dick didn’t even twitch! That should surprise him, but right now he had to focus on something different. Like the fact that he was making out with his girlfriend in front of his brother and his baby! He immediately disentangled himself from Jess. One look at his brother told him everything he needed to know. Dean looked wounded and was fast to school his emotions behind the mask, Sam observed.

Jess, though, kept pointedly glancing at Dean.

“Dean, this is Jess, my  _ girlfriend _ ,” Sam emphasized, so there wasn’t any confusion. “And Jess, this is Dean…my …” Sam didn’t know how to categorize Dean. Because really, who was Dean? The only thing was precise in his mind was he wasn’t merely his brother, he was more than that. So much more. He just didn’t know how to explain.

It was Jess who broke the tension, “Hi. Nice meeting you, Dean.”

Dean put on a fake smile and returned the greeting, “Likewise”. It was short and curt. Which gave Sam the idea that this wasn’t going to go well.

“Well, welcome to my home Dean. Lets get you two settled,” Sam said, trying to break the tension.

Somehow it worked as Jess immediately helped Sam with the luggage and both of them gave Dean a tour of the house. It was still awkward to say the least. Jess kept clinging to Sam’s side while Sam tried to get away from her every now and then. By the time they reached upstairs, Noah started fussing. Dean was so thankful for Noah. All the time, he kept his son close to his chest and kept inhaling his sweet baby scent. It calmed him to know that not everything was lost to him.

“Umm…I think he needs a diaper change. Where do I…” Dean asked only to be interrupted.

“This way please.” Jess led him to the room next to the master bedroom and opened the door just as Sam excused himself when his phone rang. The room had everything a baby needed. There was a new crib just alongside the bed, a rocking chair, and in the corner lay a playpen.T here was a dresser filled with Noah's clothing and a changing table along the opposite wall. Some toys were laying in the crib, as if waiting for Noah to play with them. “It’s all ready. Hope you find everything you need here. If you need anything else, just let  _ me _ know.” Jess wasn’t pleased with the way Dean just ignored her and went straight to the changing table. She continued though, “I’m here more than Sam is. You know he’s a lawyer so he’s busy. So, let’s avoid bothering him, yeah?”

Dean’s furious eyes turned to her, “How dare you tell me if I should bother my brother or not!”

“Because it's me in his bed and not you,” Jess replied, eyes cold and challenging.

And Dean deflated. Because really what could he say to that? It was the truth. He had no claim over Sam whatsoever.

“I know what you’re thinking. But don’t let yourself be fooled for even a minute. Sam may be your brother, but in this house, he’s mine. And if you ever try to snatch him away, I’ll burn you,” Jess whispered, careful not to let Sam hear her venomous words. “You’re here as nothing but a nanny. And you are here only on my approval. Had I convinced Sam otherwise, you wouldn’t have seen Sam or Noah for the rest of your life. Mark my words Dean, you don’t go near Sam, never even try to talk to him unless he initiates the talk. Or I will destroy whatever is left of your relationship with your brother,” Jess said, briskly walking out of the room.

Every word uttered hit like a bullet to Dean’s heart.


	8. Chapter Eight

The rest of the day was busy for Dean as he unpacked his and Noah’s stuff and then Jess and Sam had let him know their routine and office hours. During the whole time, he couldn’t get over the idea that Sam kept staring at him. But anytime Dean would look up, it was Jess who’d be glaring daggers at him, with a perfectly oblivious Sam wrapped around her. 

Days went by and Dean settled into a routine. He would wake up with Noah and wait until he could hear the chatter of Sam and Jess. Then would go down to have breakfast with them, while Sam spent some time snuggling with his son. Early on, Dean had realised that Jess did have a place of her own, however she preferred to spend all her time at Sam’s house. After a week of Dean staying with Sam he had observed Jess going out and coming back with two suitcases. He had overheard the argument between Sam and Jess . Sam wasn’t happy that she hadbasically moved herself in to his house without even asking Sam. Then Jess had pleaded and begged and Sam had melted like he always did.There was still animosity between Dean and Jess. They didn’t communicate much. It was clear to Dean that Jess was marking her territory. The only time they would have an interaction of any sort was when they would prepare breakfast and they'd sit and eat, the only sound filling the room that of Sam and Noah chatting animatedly.

Warmth rushed through Dean everytime he saw his brother and son spending quality time together. How he wished that he too would get the same attention from Sam like he did before. Like when Sam loved him once, or at least he claimed he did. But that was all in the past and Dean was always left with a cold feeling whenever he thought of just how lonely he was. He had a hard time suppressing his emotions, but he’d be damned if he gave Jess the satisfaction of watching him break down in front of her.

Then Sam would rush off to his office, planting a searing kiss on Jess’s lips, and Jess always made sure that Dean was present whenever that happened, throwing a smug look at Dean. Not too long after that, Jess would leave for her office leaving Dean and Noah alone in the house. It was at those times that Dean allowed himself to crumble. He remembered what it felt like to be loved by Sam and to have his strong arms wrapped around him, making him feel loved and safe. Dean wanted to have that back so badly. But he knew it would never happen. He didn’t know what he had done to make Sam stop loving him and he never dared to ask. Because he couldn’t bear to hear another word coming out of Sam’s mouth telling him that he wasn’t enough.

Instead of speaking to someone like Jo had asked him to, Dean wallowed in his own misery. He never let anyone know what he was going through. His son was his only happiness among the whole doom and gloom scenario. Dean would often go to the nearby park to take a walk with Noah. It helped him calm down, observing the bustling of the city. He quickly found out that city life was very fast and very chaotic. Dean just didn’t fit in. Everything was too loud. He was happier with his old life, living in the small town he had called home.

Dean would often stop at the grocery store to buy stuff he knew Sam loved. He would prepare dinner and wait for them to get back from work. Once Sam arrived home, he’d scoop up their son and play with him for a while. He’d then ask Dean what he did all day, but it was always a short and awkward conversation. Sam would often ask Jess to follow him into the bathroom and she'd giggle all the way up, leaving a wounded Dean to observe the man he loved share a shower with a girl he hated. There were nights when Noah would sleep between Sam and Jess. Dean would try to stop that, but one look from Sam giving him the puppy dog eyes, pleading him to allow Sam to spend the night with their son, was enough for Dean to give in. And Jess would sound happy too. There was no denying the fact that, no matter what a bitch she was, she doted on Noah as if he were her own son. Those nights were the hardest for Dean. No one to comfort him and no one to snuggle with him. On those nights, he would cry himself to sleep.

Not once did Dean doubt that Jess had moved herself temporarily into Sam’s house. He was sure it was all planned on her part. He hated her. She reminded him too much of himself. Blonde hair, blue eyes, and pale skinned. Yet, she was a reminder of everything he wasn’t too. Smart, sexy, funny, and intelligent. Sam’s perfect match as opposed to Dean who had barely completed his high school education, loved cars, and worked in a diner in a small town.

All his time would be consumed by taking care of Noah. It took him weeks to realize that he indeed was a nanny and nothing more than that. Just like Jess had said.

The next morning when Sam came down to the kitchen, which was still dark, he squeaked when he collided with a body.

“Jesus, Dean…you scared the crap out of me.”

“Well, you scared me too,” Dean replied, hands on his chest.

Sam quickly switched on the lights and stopped dead in his tracks as he took in the sight of his big brother, his mouth going dry. Dean was just as beautiful as he remembered him to be. He was wearing only his sweatpants. The pale skin with miles of freckles, sleepy green eyes, and the hair sticking out in different directions.Not to mention those bowlegs, and the stretch marks on his skin which were a visible proof of their baby being inside Dean’s belly. It was a sight to behold and Sam found himself getting hard in his pj’s. He wanted to gather the beautiful man in his arms and kiss him senseless.

Noah had woken up quite early and Dean had entertained his son for some time, but eventually the baby got a bit cranky. So, he had settled Noah in the playpen and made his way to the kitchen to prepare a bottle for his son. It was quite early and there was enough light coming from the window for him to get around in the kitchen. He was now well-acquainted with what went where in the kitchen. He was about to head upstairs when he ran into his little brother. He didn’t dare look up though. Because Jess’s horrible words kept ringing in his mind and he didn’t want to ruin whatever was left between him and his brother. But when Sam hit the light and silence filled the room for more time than Dean felt comfortable with, he looked up to see his brother staring at him. He blushed, but he didn’t know what to make of it. Maybe his brother was uncomfortable with him walking around half-naked. Of course, he had a girlfriend and there was a baby in this house. It was the decent thing that was expected of Dean, not to show off even a hint of his bare chest. This wasn’t his house. It wasn’t his home. It was Sam’s. And Dean was just here to look after their son.

So, instead Dean apologized and scrambled out of the kitchen muttering about Noah needing to be fed and almost ran towards his room. He quickly shut the door after entering his room and rushed towards Noah, picking him up and settling down on the bed with him. Noah was kicking his legs and waving his arms, eyes wide as he saw the bottle in Dean’s hand and excitedly cooing at it. Dean smiled as he watched his son greedily eating from the bottle. His heart was still hammering in his chest from his encounter with Sam. Emotions whirled inside him as he realized that he’d have to face Sam and his looks every day while living in this house and he couldn’t do anything about it. He was truly fucked.

“What am I going to do, Noah?” he whispered to his son as if he held all the answers to his problems.

Sam on his part was confused. He was confused about what Dean had apologized for because his brother hadn’t done anything wrong. He was bewildered by his body’s reaction to Dean, because the lust that slammed into him at the mere sight of Dean told him that he still had feelings for his brother. Otherwise he wouldn’t have been turned on at the mere sight of his brother standing half-naked in his kitchen. It was hard, living in the same house with Dean. Especially when Dean looked so ethereal whenever he was holding their son. It was like he was at his happiest. Sam didn’t miss the lonely looks or the sounds of soft crying at night that he heard when he was up to grab water from the kitchen. He knew very well that his brother was miserable. But he didn’t know what to do in order to comfort him. It had to be difficult for Dean to look at Sam and Jess. And there were times when he wanted to give in to his feelings and just go to Dean and apologize for his behavior. But he didn’t know how. At times he had come home to find his brother laughing with his son and he’d been tempted to just pin Dean to the nearest wall and devour him. He couldn’t. So instead, he often took Jess back to the bedroom deliberately in front of Dean, knowing perfectly well what he was doing to Dean. He knew he was being an asshole. He just couldn’t help it.

Sam was still hard and he couldn’t go back to bed like that. He rushed to the master bath, kicking off his pj’s as he turned on the shower. Stepping under the hot water, he began to jerk himself off to the images of pushing his big brother down on the kitchen counter and fucking him. He imagined the pretty moans that would fall from Dean's pink mouth which would make him kiss those plush lips hard. He imagined his brother begging Sam to fuck him harder and Sam would comply as his stokes would become erratic. He imagined Dean coming on his cock alone, screaming Sam’s name and that did it. Sam came with a whisper of his brother’s name on his lips. He slid down the wet shower wall as he realized what had just happened.

He was so screwed. 

It was a Friday evening, and Dean was out walking in the park with Noah, his son in the stroller. It was the most human interaction Dean had apart from Noah. He did talk to his brother and Jess, but it wasn’t as if they all were friendly with each other. Most of the time, the talk between he and his brother was awkward and there was no question of talking with Jess because all she did was make snide remarks to Dean; calling him Noah’s nanny. And she did it carefully, when Sam was nowhere around. She made sure Sam was kept in the dark about all the things that were said or unsaid between them. Dean hated her. Because all she did was throw him dirty looks every time he talked to Sam in her presence. That was why his favorite moments were the days when Sam would come back from work early and join him for a walk in the park with Noah. He had told Dean not to mention this to Jess and Dean agreed with his brother. He didn’t want to ruin what little time he could have with Sam by letting Jess know. He was sure the bitch would try and disturb their alone time. Dean relished in the feeling that there were some things that were their own and Jess wasn’t involved in them.

Dean wasn’t surprised when Sam joined him at the park , a little later than his usual time. Dean was sitting on the grass watching Noah as the baby rolled around on the thick blanket Dean always brought along with them. He had a book in his hand about parenting that he was currently reading, which was gifted to him by Jo, when they’d found out that Dean was going to be a father. It was a pleasant evening. People were walking around on the track, some jogging and some running while some parents were running all over the lawn chasing after their kids. It always amazed Dean that what he thought was always going to be just a dream had actually turned into reality. He always thought that when he had a child he’d take his kid to the park and do all the fun things that he had shared with his mom when he was a kid himself. But then, he had to give up his son and all his dreams were shattered. But now, things were different and he was so thankful that he got to be present in his son’s life that sometimes he was overcome with emotion. He was so lucky that Noah was with him and he was currently sitting at a park with his baby enjoying himself. He was hit with a sudden need to be even closer to his child. He put his book down and picked up Noah, who was busy chewing on a toy, drooling all over his hands and kicking his legs around. Dean kissed his son’s cheek, placed him on his lap and started playing peek-a-boo. The joyous sounds coming from his baby were pure music to Dean’s ears. He was so engrossed in playing with Noah that he didn’t see Sam joining them.

It had been pure luck that Sam had found out that Dean had been taking their son to a park. Due to his busy schedule, there wasn’t much time he could spend with his child except for the weekends. He was always mesmerized by the bond that Dean and Noah shared. At times, he envied that Dean got to spend so much time with their son and that they shared a special bond. Noah would always be calm and content and happy with Dean whereas with Sam, it would take him some time to relax. So, when he saw Dean heading for the park one day when he came back early, he decided to join his boys whenever possible. He kept their little outings a secret from Jess because as much as Jess claimed to be okay with Dean's presence, he knew she wasn’t. She just wasn’t comfortable with Dean, and he knew she felt jealous. And like the coward that he was, he kept avoiding having a conversation with her. Instead, choosing to spend his time with Dean and their son, once a week, when he got off early. Today, fortunately he had less work to do and his boss, who was in a good mood, let him off early. While driving back home, he’d stopped at a bakery and bought some apple pie for Dean. He didn’t know why he had the sudden urge to please Dean. Wait, scratch that, he knew very well why he was trying to please Dean. But just as he was avoiding talking with Jess, he was avoiding his feelings for Dean too. Everytime he looked at the man his heart skipped a beat and his stomach fluttered. Just like it used to back when he was falling in love with his brother. And he knew it was happening all over again. He had always thought that leaving Dean was the best solution. But now he knew it was the worst thing he had ever done. His brother was his backbone and to be very frank, ever since he left Dean and came to the city he'd always felt a hollow feeling in his chest. Even with Jess’ presence, he wasn’t able to fill that gap. Dean had been his heart and soul and with him back, it was like he had pressed a reset button.

Sam always felt like a teenager around his first love whenever Dean was around him. It did not escape his mind that Dean had become quiet and often tended to his own things as if trying not to interfere with Sam’s life. He wanted his Dean to be comfortable around him once again. He wanted his Dean to talk to him. He wanted his Dean to prank him. He wanted his Dean to smile because of him. He wanted his Dean to want him again. He wanted his Dean to once again love him.  _ Wait? His Dean ? Love him? Where had that come from, Sam Winchester? It’s not happening. You have Jess. You love her.  _ He reminded himself, but he couldn’t shake that thought out of his mind.

When he reached the park, he parked his car, picked up the box containing the slices of pie, and jogged around the track until he spotted Dean. He was late and he hoped Dean wouldn’t mind once he saw the pie Sam had bought him. When he spotted Dean, it was like he was struck by lightning. Dean was laughing, free and happy along with Noah, and he looked so beautiful. The pure joy that was reflected on Dean’s face filled Sam’s heart with warmth. At least his son was capable of bringing joy to his brother's face. He approached the father and son already apologizing for being late.

“Hey guys, sorry I’m late.”

Dean was startled for a bit when he heard the voice but calmed down when he saw a hesitant smile on his brother’s face. “Hey, Sam. It’s okay. At least you’re here,” he said, dropping his gaze back to his baby.

Well, Sam deserved it. Apparently, Dean had observed Sam’s absence from Noah’s life if the comment was anything to go by. But what could he do, there was a big case coming up and his boss had given him the opportunity of being his second chair. So, his schedule was tight but he tried his best to be there for Noah.

“Yeah, so uhm…don’t you wanna know why I’m late?” Sam tried to have a conversation with his brother as he leaned down to plant a kiss on Noah’s forehead. “Hi, baby. Did you have fun today?”

“Well, I’m not the person to be privy to those details Sam,” Dean said quietly.

Sam understood what his brother was implying. It meant he should share those details with Jess and not with Dean because Dean wasn’t a part of his life, Jess was. Sam just sighed, “But you are Dean. Not only are you my brother but you are Noah’s papa too. So yes, you definitely should be privy to all the details about what’s going on in my life. I’m sorry I haven’t been there recently for Noah, but we have this big case and I’m the second chair and everything has to go smoothly…”

“Save it, Sam. I’m here to have fun with my baby. No office talk. Just family time,” Dean said, trying to sound casual. But in reality he was anything but casual. 

“Anyway…I stopped at the bakery and guess what I bought? Apple pie!” , Sam exclaimed excitedly as he made goofy faces at his son. “You know why, Noah? Because your papa loves apple pie and Daddy bought two pieces so he could share it with your papa.” Sam watched as Noah made excited gurgles and kicked his legs and waved his arms. It warmed Sam to know that his son was reacting to his voice and not fussing. “Look how excited you are! You’re gonna love pie when you grow up, won’t you? Just like your papa, my sweet cheeks,'' Sam put down the box next to the stroller and picked up Noah to kiss his chubby cheeks. His son had grown in leaps and bounds in the past month. He was healthy and was a very eager learner. His new habit he had picked up was to put anything and everything that he grabbed into his mouth.

“You didn’t have to Sam. Please don’t waste your hard earned money on me,” Dean replied, turning his face away from Sam, trying to hide the sting of tears behind his eyes, getting emotional as he remembered all those times when they had fights whenever Sam bought a cake instead of a pie or every time Sam teased him about eating a pie. He remembered Sam always bought pie when he wanted to apologize to Dean. And he knew his brother intentionally brought cake instead of pie when he was asked to bring home apple pie. He liked to rile up Dean, get a reaction from him so that they’d get to play with the icing by spreading it on them and then licking it off of each other’s bodies. Those were his fond memories where his brother liked to indulge Dean in his cravings and especially the awesome sex after the fight. But now, Sam didn’t have to do anything for him as he was nothing to him. Dean was only Noah’s papa. That was his only relation to Sam. He was hit with the thought that just how big of a loss it was to lose Sammy. His heart, his soul.

Sam sensed the change in Dean. His brother was getting emotional, but when Dean turned away from him, he knew he was trying to control himself. Sam gave him the space his brother needed, letting him calm down. “It’s not about whether I have to. I wanted to, Dean. You deserve to be spoiled a little. After all you gave me Noah. And I’m not wasting my money Dean. I’m just trying to make you happy. Enjoy the pleasures of life.”

Dean could not help but shed a single tear of sorrow at Sam’s words. He wanted to lash out at his brother. Ask Sam why he was being so nice to him, why he was trying to make him happy? Especially when he had stomped on his heart by telling him there would never be anything between them ever again. Why was Sam trying to make him happy when he knew Dean’s happiness was with Sam? It was all messed up but he didn’t say any of that, instead wiped away his tears and said “Thank you, Sam,” in a very small voice.

Sam felt like an asshole when he realized Dean was crying. He didn’t say anything to comfort his brother in favor of focusing on Noah.  _ Coward, he chastised himself.  _ After a minute, Sam put Noah back onto his blanket and tossed some toys around for the baby to play with as he opened the box and handed Dean his slice of pie. The brothers sat peacefully eating, occasionally glancing at each other and looking at Noah, observing him rolling around in the playpen. For a long time, no one said anything until Sam broke the silence.

“Hey, Dean, I wanted to ask you something.”

That sounded ominous as Sam’s voice was serious, “Go ahead.”

“Well, I don’t mean to upset you, but Bobby mentioned that you had a scare with Noah. I just wanted to know what happened.”

Dean tensed, “Freaking Bobby. I swear that old man can’t keep his mouth shut.” His voice was much harsher than he intended.

Sam sensed he had touched on a very tense subject, “I’m sorry Dean but…” He was cut off though as his brother spoke again.

“It’s okay. I had a scare.” Dean paused, trying his very best not to go down that road again. He looked at Noah and told himself that it was all in the past and that Noah was fine, he was safe and sound and right in front of his eyes. He took a deep breath and continued. “I almost miscarried.” He heard Sam gasp, but paid no mind to his brother, “After you left, I was …let's just say not in my right mind. Emotionally I was unstable. My hormones weren’t helping any. So, I…I was bleeding and I was having cramps and I thought I had lost Noah, the only thing that tied me to you. You have to understand, it wasn’t easy for me,” Dean pleaded with his brother to understand him and not judge him. “You left me, and I felt like I wasn’t enough and then my body reacted to my emotional stress. I felt like I deserved to lose Noah because I wasn’t enough for you. And because I wasn’t enough for you, I wouldn’t be enough for our baby either.” Dean stopped, trying to control his heavy breathing. He let some tears fall and wiped them away as quickly as he could and continued, “I was on the floor, bleeding and in pain when Bobby rushed in. He rushed me to the hospital. I don’t remember much but when I came to, in the hospital, I was told I was dehydrated and I didn’t have enough nutrients. The doctors had managed to stop the bleeding and save my baby. But I was told because of that ordeal I was a high risk patient and I was put on bed rest. I couldn't work and Bobby and Ellen wouldn’t let me. So, I didn’t have enough money to support Noah and myself. But they both helped me. Especially Bobby, he took care of me like a father would. He even paid for my hospital visits.” 

It had pained Dean to accept the help from Bobby, but one look from the old man had been enough for him to understand that Bobby was family. “I had to arrange money from somewhere because I had to pay the rent. I couldn’t let them pay for everything. Because I couldn’t work I had to close down the garage. Once Noah was born, I took a job at the diner to make enough money to support us. Even though Bobby waived off the rent, I felt bad for it because he was practically providing for me. So I took two shifts with the diner so that I could get enough money to pay Bobby back. The meager amount I earned wasn’t enough for us. I was barely able to get Noah’s diapers, baby shampoo, baby lotion, baby powder, and the formula so I had to make a decision. I didn’t want the same childhood for him like we had.” This time, Dean looked up at his brother and held his gaze. “That’s why I left Noah at your door. Because I knew you were capable of giving Noah a good life, unlike me. I had nothing to offer to our son except my love. But it wasn’t enough to feed him and keep him healthy. Leaving Noah with you was my only option. And it was the hardest decision I ever had to make in my life. I let go of him so he could have a good life.”

By the end of it, Sam could tell Dean was drained. And his heart ached for the man sitting in front of him. The man had gone through everything on his own. Sam wasn’t there to look after him. Sam wasn’t sure he would have been able to go through the same thing alone. Had Dean left him at such a crucial stage of his life…He shuddered at the thought. That was when he realized that his brother was so strong and so very selfless that he couldn’t help but slide right beside him and embrace him tightly to his chest. And if Dean was shocked at the gesture, he didn’t show it, so Sam held him even tighter and spoke softly, “Oh God, Dean, I’m so very sorry. I’m sorry you had to go through it all. It must have been so hard. But it’s all okay now, Dean. Noah is fine and healthy and he’s here. Alive and kicking. All thanks to you. You carried him for nine months, Dean. You kept him safe even if you were having a tough time dealing with all the crap. I know I wouldn’t have survived it if I had been in your place. You’re the strongest person I know, Dean. I’m so very sorry I wasn’t there.” Sam pressed his lips to Dean’s hair and kissed his head. “I’m sorry, baby, so sorry.” The words tumbled out of his mouth unintentionally and he closed his eyes as he held Dean tighter to his chest. The thought of Noah and Dean never being a part of his life hurt him more than he thought possible. He pressed his nose to Dean’s neck and inhaled the musky scent of Dean. It reminded him of safety and home.

Like a lightbulb going off in his head, it all clicked into place for Sam. He’d been so stupid, and so selfish, chasing his own dreams that he never once stopped to understand that Dean was the center to his world. Dean was his everything and like the idiot that he was, he had left Dean in hopes of finding a new life. He forgot that without Dean, his touchstone, there wouldn’t be any balance to his life. Yes, he had Jess, but she wasn’t what he was looking for. She was everything that Dean wasn’t and he had enjoyed it for some time. A fresh breath of air. But he realized that she wasn’t enough for him because Dean was his everything. Dean accepted him as he was. Never demanded anything of him. He just wanted one thing in return and that was Sam’s love. Apparently, in his stupidity he had denied his brother the only thing he ever wished for. He had taken his brother for granted. He felt the sting of tears prickle at his eyelids as he was hit with guilt for having treated Dean badly and he was angry at his own behavior. No wonder Dean wanted to shield Noah from him. He knew that if Dean had forced him to stay, he definitely would have lashed out and ended up resenting not only his brother but his son as well. His brother knew him too well.

Dean was so overcome with emotions that he burrowed deep into Sam's embrace when he hugged him. It had been so long since anyone had comforted him, let alone his brother. He clutched at Sam’s coat and buried himself in those strong arms and let himself fall. Anguished sobs wracked his body as he felt Sam consoling him and pressing kisses to his head and he let the feeling of safety and love wash over him. Sam held him until he was just trembling now and then. Once Dean calmed down, he looked at Sam and averted his gaze immediately because he feared what he would see in those hazel eyes if he looked for a little longer and he wasn’t ready for that. Not yet. “I’m sorry, Sam.”

“Shhh…you’ve got nothing to be sorry for.”Sam cupped Dean’s face and planted a gentle kiss on his forehead that made Dean flush a little. It always centered him whenever Sam kissed his forehead. Like an anchor, steadying him. Sam smiled, his dimples coming out in full force and Dean smiled in return. Noah started fussing as if he knew his fathers weren’t paying any attention to him and whatever bubble they had created around them vanished as Dean scrambled to pick up his fussy baby. “Shh…it’s okay, Noah. Are you hungry? We’ll go home in a minute okay.” Dean kissed his son’s cheeks and turned to get the playpen packed. He was surprised to see Sam taking care of it and once everything was packed, they both shared a small smile and headed home.

They met at the park once or twice a week and at times once in ten days because of Sam’s workload, but Dean didn’t mind. These walks in the park had become his favorite times as they spent quality time as a family. They talked about anything and everything, just like they used to. And he swore that he could see the sparkle in Sam’s eyes like it once used to be there when his little brother would look at him with pure love shining through his eyes. Who knows, maybe, just maybe, things could go back to normal. He could feel his relationship with Sam rekindling already. He knows he shouldn’t let himself hope for something more. Because he’s always been unlucky when it comes to the matters of his heart, but his heart wouldn’t understand. It always beat a little faster and hope flared in his chest, bright and shining. He knew he was setting himself up for a big fall, but he couldn’t help it. He loved Sam with all his being.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


	9. Chapter Nine

Jess was fuming. It wasn’t as if she didn’t know what was going on, but after having seen it for herself, she knew she had to act fast and do something to keep Sam and Dean away from each other. Jess had been observing the brothers and although both of them tiptoed around each other when she was around, she could see the spark of desire coursing between them. The longing in Dean’s eyes and the want in Sam’s wasn’t hidden from her. What miffed her more was even when Sam was with her he’d always be thinking of Dean and talking about him constantly. About how good he was with Noah and how he never complained. He also emphasized that Dean had become more quiet, which was completely opposite of his brother. Out of the two, Dean was always the chatty one. Jess didn’t want to know about that. In fact, Jess never wanted to know anything about Dean. Yet, somehow, she always had to endure a whole session of listening to Sam go on about Dean, whenever the two of them met for lunch or at night before sleeping. 

What made her seethe was the way Sam blatantly lied to her. She knew they’d been taking some alone time in the park. One day after Sam said he’d be leaving work early, but he didn’t show up at home, she followed through and found his car at the park. She was enraged when he found Sam and Dean sitting side by side with Dean holding Noah up in his arms, giggling, as Sam looked at Dean with heart eyes. Sam was spending time with Dean and their son by coming back early from the office, but not even once had he granted Jess her wish when she’d beg him to come back early for her. And here he was spending his time with his brother and his baby. This was happening despite the fact that she had given Dean a warning not to take Sam away from her. Well, Dean was going to get what was coming to him. She’d ensure that Dean learned the lesson of never going against her wishes. 

The end point came when they were making love, Jess riding Sam while he clutched at her hips, his eyes closed, and instead of saying Jess’ name, a faint sound of ‘God, Dean’ escaped him when he climaxed. At that point, there was nothing for her to say, she was too shocked and couldn’t sleep all night. To the contrary, Sam had no issues sleeping at all. It seemed like the forcefulness of his climax had knocked him out completely. 

The next morning, Jess confronted Sam. “What the hell was that last night, Sam? How could you?”

Sam had just woken up and was still trying to keep his eyes open when Jess shouted at him, “Whaaa…what did I do?” , he asked, groggily rubbing his eyes.

“What did you do? Do you realize what an asshole you are Sam Winchester?” Jess yelled. as she observed Sam’s eyes go wide at her words. Sam sat up in bed. 

“What the hell is your problem Jess?” Sam was now completely awake. Jess only raised her voice when she was really pissed off. But this time, there was an expression of hurt on her face. She looked like she’d been crying. Her eyes were red-rimmed, face blotchy, and she was stiffly standing next to the bed. He didn’t understand what exactly went wrong or what he’d done but something was very, very wrong. 

“What the hell is MY problem? You fucking asshole. You don’t even remember do you? You were with me. Me … and how dare you say his name?” Jess paused in between trying to control her breathing. “You said his name last night,” she finally whispered, hands clutching at her chest. 

It dawned on Sam what Jess was saying, even if it was a bit late. He remembered coming home late from a meeting and entering the living room to stop dead in his tracks only to be greeted by the sight of Dean breastfeeding their son. 

The sight was so beautiful that he wanted to go and hug his little family and never leave them. He wanted to touch those pecs just to know how they would feel against his thumb and how Dean would arch under his hands if he just…

At that moment, Noah let out a soft noise and Sam was suddenly feeling embarrassed about having those thoughts about Dean when he was feeding their baby, for God's sake. 

Dean had looked up at him at that moment, while he shifted Noah in his hands to burp him, “Hi Sam. How was the meeting?”

Dean looked so soft and he was glowing, like he was happy with their baby, and Sam started getting hard in his pants. He shifted, trying to adjust himself, and dumbly replied, “It was good. It was tiring. So, would you mind if I go to my room?”

“Why would I mind?”Dean replied, looking amused at Sam’s explanation. “Anyway, Jess is waiting for you. I'm sure you must be tired. So, go relax in your girl’s arms.”

Even though the words were said with a smile on Dean’s face, Sam immediately detected a hint of sadness and anger to them. Sam wanted to comfort his brother, let him know that he was sorry for everything, but instead he did nothing, he just said “Okay” and rushed to the bedroom where Jess was sprawled out on their bed in her see through red nightgown. One look at Jess and Sam knew he needed this. He had jumped Jess right there on the bed. 

However, all he could think about when fucking Jess was how Dean would feel around him. He imagined Dean's soft moans and kissing those plump, pink lips and how beautiful Dean would look while Sam fucked him through his orgasm and once they had come down from their highs how he would snuggle with Sam all while complaining that Dean never snuggled with anyone. He had hit his orgasm at the image of Dean moaning out his name and he had come so hard that Sam knew exactly what had happened. 

He felt so ashamed and guilty. He got up and walked slowly toward Jess, “I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry Jess. I didn’t…I mean, I did say his name but…”

“But nothing Sam. How could you? Have you slept with him? Did you touch him, Sam?” Jess demanded.

“What… no Jess. I could never cheat on you.” Even though Dean was on his mind frequently these days and he’d been questioning his relationship with Jess, he’d not once touched Dean in a way that was intimate. 

“Right,” Jess snarked sarcastically. “Like you didn’t just say his name while you were fucking me.”

“Jess, listen baby,” Sam tried to reason with her but she cut him off mid-sentence. 

“Don’t call me baby, you son of a bitch. I loved you. I love you, why…just why?” Jess wailed.

“Jess, I’m sorry okay? I promise I never touched him, never even thought about him. I don’t know what happened yesterday but my mind must have played some trick. I promise there’s nothing between me and Dean,” Sam lied. He wasn’t yet ready to let Jess go even if he’d realized that his feelings for Dean were still there and had never gone away. 

“Nothing? You have a son with him, Sam! It’d be the next obvious step if I wasn’t in between the two of you.”

“No, Jess you got it wrong. I promise, I haven’t touched him Jess. Not since we became serious.”

“How can I trust you, Sam?”

“I’ll do anything you say, baby. Anything to prove that I’m one hundred percent with you.” This was his trump card. It always worked with Jess. 

“Then ask him to move out. Ask him to go away, but leave Noah with us. I can’t stand to watch him in this house when I know you want him.”

“Jess!” Sam was horrified at the thought. He couldn’t let that happen. Not now that his brother was finally comfortable around him and was coming back to being his own self, slowly but surely. Not after having spent time with him and realizing that they both mean more to him than Jess ever did. Dean was everything. 

Jess could hear the hesitancy in Sam and saw the shocked expressions on his face; both were enough to tell her she had to push all the way through in order to get what she wanted, “No, if you didn’t have feelings for him you never would have said his name. It means you still have feelings for him. He’s a threat to me, to us, to our future. He has to go, Sam. And if he doesn’t, then I’m leaving. You have to choose Sam, it's either me or him.” Jess rushed into the bathroom, leaving a flabbergasted Sam behind. 

Unknown to both of them, Dean had heard everything as he quietly headed to Noah’s room. 

++++

Sam was in the bathroom when Jess came downstairs after having checked on Noah, who was sleeping in the room, and spotted Dean sitting on the couch in the living room, watching tv. One look at the man and she was filled with rage. She had expected Sam to go on his knees and beg her to stay. Instead Sam had asked for some time to think things over. That’s how she knew there was trouble in her paradise. She thought she had managed to replace Dean’s place in Sam’s heart. Unfortunately it wasn’t the case. Instead, Dean had managed to rekindle the already present feelings in Sam’s heart and dethroned her too. She saw this as a golden opportunity. If Dean was gone before Sam was even downstairs, she could mend Sam’s broken heart and paint Dean as the villain. She lashed out at Dean, knowing well that the man was fragile and would tumble down with one push. 

“How dare you! I warned you, Dean. I warned you to stay away from Sam. And now you’ve ruined everything!” Jess yelled.

Dean was startled, but he knew what this was about as he had heard everything. “Don’t yell,” he said firmly, “Noah is sleeping. Say whatever you want to but keep your voice down.”

“Who the hell do you think you are telling me what to do in this house? I was going to move in with Sam. And we had plans on moving forward. But you just had to ruin it, didn’t you? How sick can you get? Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? Having feelings for your brother? Having a baby with your brother?” Jess said, disgust clear in her voice and on her face. 

“Jess, mind your language.” Dean warned her, even if every word she said was like throwing a dagger at his heart. 

“Or what? Who are you to do anything if I say this? You’re nothing but a hired nanny, without pay, staying here to look after Noah. You don’t even love your own son. You left him like a coward for Sam to raise. You’re nothing Dean. And your presence is ruining our lives. Why don’t you go back to the shithole you came from and leave Sam and Noah alone? They don’t deserve to be surrounded by a sick person like you. Why don’t you just get the hell out of our lives and leave us alone?”

“I’m here because Sam wanted me to…”

“Oh my God , shut up. You just have to have answers for everything, don’t you? For once why don’t you do us all a favor and go away from our lives? We were happy without you, but you just had to go ruin everything! Sam was happy, he was happy without you, he had a normal life until you came waltzing in and tried to create a rift between us. Sam left you because you weren’t enough. What makes you think that he’ll give you even a chance to be with him when he knows you’ll never be enough for him? Get the hell out of our lives and let us be happy. You ruin everything you touch. Get the hell out of here!” Jess shouted and looked satisfied as Dean rushed out to his own room. 

++++

Sam was just coming down when he heard the yelling from the living room. He didn’t quite understand what it was about so he decided to quietly slip into the kitchen and listen to what was going on. He was shocked to hear Jess saying all those hurtful and spiteful words to Dean. She really had gone crazy. He watched as his brother silently heard every insult and every jab Jess threw at him. It pained his heart to see Dean going pale and bravely trying to keep his emotions in check. He couldn’t believe the lengths to which Jess went to keep their already messed up relationship afloat. The moment Dean rushed to his room, Sam came out from the kitchen and confronted Jess. 

“You bitch! How could you talk to him like that?”

Jess was taken by surprise, she didn’t count on him coming back downstairs so soon, “S-sam, you’re b-back.”

Sam pinned her with a hard stare as he waited for an explanation. For him though, there was no explanation good enough for what she had said to Dean. He’d made his choice. “You better give a damn good explanation as to why you were a grade A bitch to Dean.”

“I-I don’t. Sam, look, Dean was trying to come between us. He was trying to take you away from me. You spent all your time with him and I was only here for you to go to lunch with and to fuck at night. It all began when you found out you had a son with him. What happened to us, Sam?” she asked in a soft voice.

Sam sighed. It was his fault for landing in such a mess. “Look Jess, just because you felt we were having some issues doesn’t justify you insulting Dean. I had specifically asked you if you were fine with me bringing Dean over. And you said you’d be fine with it. Then what changed Jess? Don’t think I don’t know what you’ve been trying to do. I know about every little thing you did to make sure you hurt Dean. You not speaking to him, being too affectionate with me in front of him, feeding Noah right when you knew I was due home. I can list countless things you did deliberately to spite him. Don’t try to deny it, because you’ve done it and I know it. I just thought that you’d relax after some time. But no, you did the opposite. It was like all your attention was in making sure you kept Dean away from me, like you were constantly plotting against him. You were so busy with it that you didn’t even show interest in me anymore. Do you even remember the last dinner date we had?” 

Jess thought about it and realized what Sam was saying was true. She had to put up a front though, “No, but that doesn’t mean…”

“I never loved you Jess. And neither did you truly love me. Because if we did, we wouldn’t be standing here. And you deserve a chance to be happy and be loved by someone and unfortunately I can’t be that person for you.”

“You’re still in love with Dean.” It was more of a statement than a question. “He’s your brother and he’s…” 

“Stop,” Sam said sternly, eyes hard and pinning Jess in her position. He knew she was about to throw another jab at his brother. “If you’re going to insult Dean one more time, I suggest you better leave. We haven’t been working out. It was inevitable that we fell apart. Dean just happened to speed things up.”

Jess was shocked, she never in her wildest dreams thought that Sam would put Dean ahead of her, “What? Are you saying that you’re going back to Dean?”

“I don’t know about me and Dean, Jess. After everything that we went through, I don’t know if he’ll ever take me back, but what I do know is that I’ve made my choice. I can’t leave Dean and Noah. They are my life, my family. I made a mistake coming to this city. I was just tired of the routine life , back in town. I needed something fresh and I was mistaken to think that Dean wasn’t enough for me. I was scared of losing him. He’s so smart Jess. He had even opened a garage and he was doing so well with it, I just thought that maybe Dean would be better off with someone else and I ditched him before he could do that to me. I understand now that I was a fool, that all my fears were unfounded. I know Dean won’t forgive me easily. Hell, I won’t ever forgive  _ myself _ . But for the sake of my family, I need to try.”

“But what about us? You just can’t give up on us. I love you and I know you love me too!” Jess cried out.

“I’m sorry, Jess. There’s no us, especially now that I know just how hateful of a person you can be. I can’t have Noah growing up with a person who’s filled with so much rage and hate. Dean is his father and he’s the best parent Noah could ever have. And I’m going to make sure that it stays that way,” Sam said, his voice firm. 

There was nothing Jess could say to that. She’d been so engrossed in making sure Dean stayed out of Sam’s life that she had lost the plot and instead alienated herself out of his life. “So, this is it?”

Jess sounded defeated and he hated himself for doing that to her. He’d jumped into a relationship with her just to fill the emptiness in his life. And it had all been rushed and false to begin with, when in reality he’d never gotten over Dean. He had lied to everyone, even himself, just to make sure that his dream came true. “Yes, and this time, I want you out of this house as soon as you can. And one more thing, if I ever see you threatening Dean again or even going near him or Noah, I’ll ruin your life. That’s a promise,” Sam said with an edge to his voice. Jess just nodded and retreated to the bedroom to pack her bags. 

As soon as she was out of the living room, Sam headed toward Dean’s room and opened the door slowly. Dean was sitting on the floor, his back to the wall and Noah in his arms, shedding tears and quietly speaking to their son. It reminded Sam of the exact moment back in Cove when he had witnessed Dean’s heartbreaking speech to Noah. 

++++

Dean had rushed to his room and slammed the door behind him once Jess had ordered him to get out. He leaned back against the door. Every word Jess said was true. Every damn word . Sam had left him. He had explicitly told him that he wasn’t enough! So why did it even occur to Dean that he’d take him back? It was all his fault. Living here with Sam and spending time with him had lured him into a false sense of security that there could be something between them. He remembered Sam’s words when he had come back to take him to the city and had reiterated the fact that there would never be anything between them. Sam had been telling him again and again that he was nothing to Sam. Yet, Dean had managed to build up a hope that there could be something more. 

Jess was right, everything he touched got ruined. Mom left him, Dad left him, Sam left him, and he managed to ruin Sam and Jess’ relationship too. The only one who hadn’t left him was Noah. It had been Dean’s decision to leave his son. And he should have stood by it. This was a mistake. Coming to the city with Sam was a huge mistake. He never should have come here. He would have slowly but surely withered away in that town, in his house which held memories of his past life. Memories of him and Sam , together, building a life, memories of their sweet couplings, memories of sharing dreams with Sam, memories of dealing with the aftermath of their break up, memories of dealing with his pregnancy, memories of bringing Noah home for the first time, memories of feeling loved. At least there he had his friends to help and support him. There was no one here. Not even Sam to lean on or share his struggles. 

Dean never thought much about it but now as Jess shot bullet after bullet at him he realized he really was nothing but a nanny to Noah. He wasn’t his papa. He was literally Noah’s caretaker. No matter how much he hated Jess, she was really good with Noah, loving him just like he was her son. Maybe Dean should take her advice and leave for good this time. Noah deserved to be brought up in a normal environment where his parents weren’t brothers and either struggling or fighting constantly. Noah deserved to have a Mom and a Dad. Sam and Jess were perfect to raise him. Tears welled in his eyes as he looked at his son and once again the feeling of loneliness and loss enveloped him. He was truly alone in this world. No one to lean on, no one to love, no one to share his life with. If this continued, he was sure once Noah grew up, he’d hate him too. Jess was absolutely right, he should leave. 

Dean walked toward Noah's crib. He was sleeping soundly, and Dean stared at him to his heart’s content. For the second time in his life, he was about to abandon his son. His vision blurred and he let those tears fall. It was no use holding them back. He hurried to pack his things and get ready to leave. Within the next five minutes he had packed his bags and was ready to leave. He stopped just before opening the door and looked back at his son, sleeping peacefully. He dumped his bag near the wall and went to the crib to pick his son up, inhaling his baby scent for the last time. He slowly walked backwards until his back met the wall and he slid down, his legs folded and Noah in his arms. 

“Hi, baby”, Dean said in a hushed tone to his son, trying his best not to wake him up. “I know I thought I was going to be in your life forever, but I’m sorry. I can’t be there to see you grow up into a fine young man.” Dean held his son close to his chest. “Had I known today would be my last day with you, I would have turned yesterday into a celebration. Of us being together for one last time. I’m so sorry , Noah, I am not the father you deserve. I’m cursed. Everything I touch gets ruined. I don’t want to ruin your life, baby. You’re precious. And I love you so much. Please remember me, okay, Noah.” Dean kissed his son’s forehead and let the silent tears fall. 

“I love you and your dad so much, baby. And I tried my best to be enough for both of you. But I can’t be. I can’t give you a normal life. I can’t give you a safe life. I’m good for nothing, baby. Even your dad agrees. I’m just sad that I’ll never be able to see you again. But it's for the best. I know you’ll be mad at me, but please know I did this so you’ll have a good life. Papa loves you so much, Noah. More than you’ll ever know. Goodbye baby, this time for good.”

Dean held his child to his chest and sobbed, letting go of all his sorrows. 

Sam couldn’t bear listening to Dean’s cries anymore and he walked toward s Dean and slid down beside him. “Dean,” he whispered softly, touching the man’s arm. 

Dean was surprised to see Sam in his room but he knew his brother must have come to deliver the message. “Hey, Sam, you don’t need to say it again. I’m leaving. Just give me two minutes and I’ll be gone. I won’t ever bother you again.”

It hurt Sam to even listen to those words. “No, Dean, you’ve got it all wrong. I don’t want you to leave. In fact, I want you to stay,” Sam hesitantly said, fearing Dean would reject his offer. 

Dean couldn’t understand what Sam was saying, in his mind he had been so sure that Sam would never want him to stay, especially after Jess gave Sam a choice. “Stay? B-but Jess said…”

Sam didn’t allow his brother to complete the thought as he interrupted him, “I don't care what Jess said, Dean,” Sam cupped his brother’s cheeks as he continued, forcing Dean to look at him, “we’re over. She’s packing her bags at the moment.”

“What?” a confused Dean asked. 

Sam finally gathered that Dean’s walls were back in place and he needed to break them. He kept a steady contact with those green eyes which were full of hope and confusion, “Dean, listen to me. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I was an asshole and I apologize for everything Jess said,  _ hell _ for everything I ever said. You’re enough, Dean. More than enough. I’m so sorry for leaving you, Dean. I’ve realized that I’m not the same person without you in my life. I love you. Please forgive me, Dean.”

Dean stared at his brother’s face for a long time, understanding the gravity of Sam’s words and only after finding nothing but truth in those eyes, did he speak, “You hurt me, Sam.”

“I know, Dean.” Sam leaned forward and touched their foreheads together, breathing in the same air as he sat close to his brother and their baby. “I’m so very sorry for that. And I know I have to work hard to gain your trust again, find our footing again, but please, if you give me a chance I would like to rectify my mistakes and have you back in my life.”

Dean could only nod to that, “You have a lot to make up for.”

A small smile formed on Sam’s face and he felt so relieved. At least his brother was willing to give him a chance to mend their relationship. He pressed his lips against those of his brother’s and kissed him. He knew the road ahead was full of hurdles, but he’d be damned if he didn’t try. After all, Dean was his life and he’d go to any lengths to get his life back to what it used to be; happy and content. 

They stayed there in the same position basking in the closeness with each other until Noah woke up. 

Sam chuckled and picked up his fussy son. “Morning, baby. You sleep well? Shh…it’s okay sweetheart, Papa and Daddy are here.” To their surprise Noah calmed down immediately with his big green eyes curiously looking at his fathers. Both Sam and Dean were engulfed with joy when Noah let out a happy coo and gave them a gummy smile as if he understood that his fathers were finally together. Both men spent some time with their son until they heard a knock on the door. 

Sam cautiously opened the door and was met with a crying Jess standing outside the room. 

“Jess,” Sam didn’t know what to say further so he just nodded at her. 

“Hey Sam. I just…” she hiccupped but it didn’t escape her eyes that Dean was standing behind Sam, wide eyes, Noah clutched tight to his chest, but she didn’t say anything, “I just wanted to say goodbye. I’m leaving.” Still hoping he’d take her back.

“I know. Goodbye, Jess. I hope you have a good life.” Sam knew he should have taken Jess somewhere private to say goodbye but he also understood the importance of Dean’s presence. It was pertinent that Dean heard their conversation and understood that Sam was in this for a long haul. He knew he had to gain his brother’s trust. And he was sure his brother would make him work for the same. This might just be the first step towards it. 

“You too,” Jess said, and understood that she wasn’t getting a chance to get Sam back. She couldn’t help but notice a little glow around Sam which was never present when he was with her. Love can do that to a man, she supposed and with one last look at Sam she left their lives for good. 

Sam closed the door behind her and turned back toward Dean and Noah. He embraced his family and vowed that never again would he let his career and his selfishness get the better of him and he would never let his happiness slip from his hands. Dean and Noah were his everything. He was finally where he was supposed to be. He finally had a family; Dean, their son, and him. 

It was his happily ever after. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading. It was actually going to be much longer but my muse betrayed me. So, here's an offer: a sequel, anyone? Let me know what you think.


End file.
